The Last One or a Year in the Life

It seemed appropriate that this last post comes on a day that I worked 13 hours, ran between two jobs, and finally spent it huddled with my friends as the ball dropped and 2013 came rolling around the corner. It's been one hell of a year, if this day has been any indication. I always said this blog was about self-discovery and figuring the big stuff out while I had the resources (a laptop and a clear mind) and the time. It's safe to say that this has been one of the greatest years i've had, and it's also safe to say that this was one of the best resolutions I ever made (and consequently one of the only resolutions I ever kept up with). And to all those out there who kept reading (and based on Blogger's charts, there are some of you out there), thanks for letting my thoughts be heard. Thanks for making em keep going. It's easy to give up on self-reflection, even more so when it's a New Year's Resolution.

So to end things, I wanted to mark the many lessons this past year has thrown me.

The Big Stuff:
January:
-We hold too high of expectations. We frequently should stop, taker a step back, and notice that happiness is not when our expectations are met, but when we hold realistic expectations. I can't be held back by my expectations any longer.
-Mistakes look like good ideas at first. You have to be let down every now and then. It makes us a little better.
-I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. I will never be more lucky to have such amazing people around me.
February:
-The universe has a funny way of letting you know that it's time to slow down and reset. For me, this came in the form of a large wooden door smacking me in the face. But those 5 stitches were just a sign that things were about to change.
-It's a good idea to sit back on major days (like birthdays) and figure out if you've accomplished what you want. If you haven't, change your mindset. DO it. Don't Rehearse any longer.
March:
-Actions speak louder than words.
-If something doesn't fit, change out of it. Don't toss and turn. And take a chance every once in awhile. It's important to throw ourselves into the canyon every once in awhile. You'll feel great afterwards for trying, regardless of the outcome.
April:
-Our future has a nasty way of keeping us from thinking clearly. The expectations we keep for what we want the rest of our lives to be like can sometimes destroy the amazing things we have in front of us in the present. We can't let that happen.
May/June/July:
-The little things matter most. Distinguish between your golf-balls, your pebbles, and your sand. Then have some beers.
-Love has many different forms, some that we can't see right away. That doesn't mean it's not there. Affection is all around us. Never forget that you are loved.
-There's a difference between feeling accomplished/feeling like you're making a difference and just earning a paycheck/sweating from working a lot of hours.
-As sad as it sounds, money matters. this year I learned the value of a dollar.
-Heartbreak is just a fact of life. It sucks, yes, and we all cope in different ways. That doesn't mean we get over it at the same rate.
-Time moves differently from moment to moment. Let it. Don't try to speed up or slow down moments.
-Coming home won't always feel the way it used to. You have to be okay with the way the comfort of home will change.
August/September/October/November:
- Traveling is no way to escape. But it's a good way to learn about yourself.
- Scotland is an amazing place.
-Great friendships last over time and distance. Great times are the same.
-You have to open to meeting new people and experiencing new things. 
December:
-Coming home can be daunting. And sometimes it can even be frightening. Take you time coming home. It will feel great once you're back.

Looking back, I haven't been rehearsing much for anything. Life performs itself, and all the other things come with it. Maybe it was a rough dress rehearsal at times, but there was always an audience, and there was always purpose. It may have taken me a while to figure it out for myself, but thanks for indulging me.

Happy New Year, everyone. throw out the bath water and ring the bells to bring in the New Year. Appreciate that when the clock strikes midnight, we all get a new start with new resolutions.

Until later?

Second to Last or 37

Here we go folks: one more day in the Old Year, and a new one on its way. I have always believed that you are supposed to bring in the New Year int he same style that you want the rest of the year to go. A year ago, I didn't do so hot. While I learned two very valuable lessons (1. That mixing alcohol is a dangerous game and 2. That my tolerance for alcohol wasn't great), I didn't succeed in bring in the Ne Year exactly as i'd like. It's funny though, because as much as I believe that the way you bring in the New Year affects how the rest of the year went, this year rocked. I'll get into that phenomenon later (tomorrow). So is New Years a hoax?  Or is it something to be cherished? There's an episode of HIMYM called "The Limo", where they talk about New Year's Eve being the biggest let-down of a night in the entire year. I'm still trying to figure out just how true that is.

I want preface this post by saying that this will be the craziest, most mentally-unstable idea i'll ever have. There. It's out there. I said it.

This is my 37th post. 37 is my lucky number. The reason for this is because I have always believed that the number 37 follows me. I see it everywhere. For awhile, I believed that it marked the universe at work. And I trusted that. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that I was sort of living my life waiting for 37 to show me the way.  And I can't do that. Watching the universe is like watching a pot of boiling water. Like the cardinal the evades being seen at the bird-feeder. I have learned to now take seeing the number 37 with a grain of salt.

There's such a thing as a universal-marker. Something makes me believe that the universe and fate sends us signs, markers, to indicate we're on the right path. I believe strongly in the idea that our story is mapped out. This is not to say that I don't trust free will, or us having any sort of say in our story. But I think we've all got a path. And I like to know i'm on that path. And I like to believe that 37 is that marker for me.

So Let's keep it going, universe. Gimme dem signs.

Until tomorrow,

4 Days More or When you're working at the Diner

Almost a year ago today, I started this blog as a process of self-discovery. There was something I wanted to discover about myself, but more importantly I had a sense that this year was going to be a big one.
We all sense those moments, don't we? I've talked recently about how we don't know that moments are life-changing until after they have happened, but we know whens something big is on the horizon right? We can tell when we're about to experience something big. Hopefully you all (who are you guys? we've never talked about that) know what i'm talking about.

Well today marked one of those events (of many) that made this year big. today I quit my job. Well. One of my jobs. I started working at the restaurant when I was 16. It was the first job that ever moved through the employment chain, doing almost every job that was available. It was the same line of work my father did, at the same restaurant, almost 30 years earlier. It was the first job that I was ever good at.

There are certain times in your life that can be marked by some consistent feature; something that never changed about you: a shirt you wore frequently, a haircut you had for a while, or a job that you held for a period of time. This restaurant was my constant for over 4 and half years. While working there I experienced prom, graduation, break-ups, starts of relationship, going off to college, leaving for abroad, all while finding myself among the pancakes, coffee pots and friendly faces.

Sometimes you can't see how much you've grown up until you've left something behind. Sometimes you have to find the perfect time to take a step back, and look at the place that's helped you grow so much over the last 4 years. Even if that step means driving away, smiling at the place where you learned how to wash a dish, how to greet a customer, and that sometimes a smile means so much more than you could think.

Until later,

Scotland: Take your Time Coming Home

I've waited a couple of days to make the last post for my trip to Scotland. It seemed appropriate for me to take some time after coming home to decompress and really think about what had just happened to me. And it's kind of amazing, because I don't have the words to talk about everything that's happened to me. Literally. There are no words that I could possibly use to talk about every event, every friendship, and every time I thought to myself "did you ever think you'd get here?".

For awhile I was really concerned with how I would talk about my abroad experience. It seemed to be the most important part of the semester: how you talk about it afterwards. How do you tell the people you care about most, who didn't necessarily share in the experience, about the life-changing (there's that word again) time you just had? And more importantly, how do you convince yourself that the last 4 months weren't just some elaborate dream, manufactured in the crazy, rolling hills of Glen Coe in your mind? And then it occurred to me; why do you need to talk about it? Why compare, contrast, strive to find a way to talk about those months? Is that so important to you?

I don't think I understood the idea that this experience is just for ME until just now. Why would it, or should it, be for anyone else?

Right around Christmas-time, I like to watch "It's a Wonderful Life", and not just because it's a Christmas-time movie, but because of it's message: Every moment is important. There's a really strong sense of fate and the workings of the universe in that film. We have an incredible impact on the places and people around us. Right towards the end of my time in Scotland, I was really afraid of being forgotten, or I suppose, of not having an impact on the people who had an impact on me. It seems ridiculous that that's something I'd want, but it seemed strange that these people and places could change my life, and that I wouldn't have an equal impact on them. Needless to say, i'm no longer worried about that. It's a Wonderful Life, and I couldn't ever forget that after my time in Scotland.

So thank you, Scotland, Nessie, the Cecilians, my Internationals, Flat A-Cheviot House, Dublin, Parma, the MacDonald Clan, Buchanan Street, and Kake: there are no words.

So here' the message: It's a Wonderful Life, if you take some time to stop and listen to the universe. Stare at the lights on the tree. And never forget that you have an impact on this world.

Until later,

Scotland: Life Changes, what if you don't?

Lately, i've been thinking about when I used to hear about other people's abroad experiences. It was always fun, you know, to hear about what to expect. Of course every experience was different, but the conversation always ended the same: "You're going to love it, it will change your life".
Now I talk a lot of about high expectations. Doesn't this seem like the highest of them all? Life-changing? I mean seriously, set the standards a little higher, please.
That's a huge idea just by itself, really. The fast that Life is so dynamic, so versatile, is incredible. We like to think of ourselves as being one person, one identity, at one time, and then we look at a picture of ourselves from years ago, or even months ago and we think about just how different we were back then, or sometimes just how different we are now. And that maybe scary, because change IS scary, but it's a simple fact of life.
I think a lot of people are resistant to such change because maybe they like where they are now. Maybe the universe has given them the perfect situation, at the perfect time, and they don't want to even conceive of a time where that could change. I know that's how I feel. Frankly, if someone told me months ago that the happiness I had then wouldn't last, i'd be distraught.
The funny thing about the universe is that it's goal is not to trick you or even to mess things up, but it's goal to change you for the better. Here's an exercise: if someone with the same amount of authority as the universe told you right now that 3 months from now you'd be broke, and begging on the street, would you question them and say "there's no way that's possible", or would you say "well there must be a good reason for that" and accept it? Most people would go with the former, only because they're so resistant to change. I am most people, in this case.
But I don't know. Maybe things can be life-changing. It seems strange that we can put that much gravity on one situation, one event, on time in our lives; but I look back on the last 3 years, and there have definitely been moments that have led me to change, or have shaped me to be the person I am today. so maybe it's okay to put that expectation on something like going abroad. Who's to say either way?

the funny thing about life-changing experiences is that at the time, they don't appear that way. In fact, often times they seems so insignificant, so subtle. The hold-your-breath moment right before a first kiss; the silence after someone says it can't work; the walk home that you think will be your last. These things are so habitual, so mundane that they don't feel that they should carry any weight. And yet, they do. The fact is, you're different. You're not going to feel right away. But look at the photographs again.

I absolutely hate being retrospective before it's due time, so I won't go there. And I'm not going to think about this experience being "life-changing" just yet. There's time for that later.

There's no new run-down, except to say that Scotland knows how to do Christmas.
Until later,

Scotland: A Climate Change

Something I really appreciate about New England in autumn is the temperature change. During the day, you have these crisp, but sunny and warm-ish hours, which slowly fade into brisk, windy nights. You start to be able to see your breath when you walk outside. You grab hot cider and wrap a scarf around your neck. And I love it so much. And when I went abroad, I was honestly really upset that i'd miss that time.

Now Scotland did have a bit of fall. I walked up the path to my flat one day and looked at the trees on either side of the concrete: they were fantastic colors and blazing like flames in the afternoon sun. Then we were hit with several rainstorms day-after-day, and those leaves all fell. And it got cold. Fast.

Scotland has a tremendous change in temperature when it comes to fall into winter. And I never appreciated that for what it was. Think about all the things in your life that you've seen go from hot and blazing to cold and smoking. Like when you dump pool-water on a bonfire. All at once, the light goes out. You can't see so clearly anymore. the Shadows disappear. The darkness moves in.

You have to learn to accept that moment when your senses must adjust. It may hurt, and it may be scary. Light makes things clear, makes it easier. but the darkness doesn't have to be scary.The fall turning into winter doesn't have to be so cold. If you're bundled up enough, you can get through it.

I'm learning to bundle myself better in Scotland. You have to. No point in wishing the leaves would go back to the tops of the trees. You have to learn to appreciate being able to see your breath again. You have to kick up the crunching leaves, and zip up the jacket a little tighter.
Be okay with being alone. Be okay with knowing how to move forward. Be okay with being alone with your thoughts.

Here's the breakdown:
-Scottish folks really know how to put on a party
-A fancy dinner means you wear a suit.
-You have to be okay with asking your flatmate to borrow his suit
-A bowtie can make you look so much more formal. Plus, it's classy.
-You can't run away from your past. Even if there's an ocean between you.
-I have learned to greatly appreciate a routine. There is so much comfort in the habitual.
-60 years. Wow.
-Thank god the Cecilian Society exists.

Until later,

Scotland: A Study in Poetry

You see, American films abroad can do two things: 1. They serve as pieces of nostalgia from the memories back home 2. They allow you to get a slightly different perspective on them.
Now, i've found that it's fairly easy to express yourself in journal entries (or blog posts like these); but I never considered the amount of impact that words can have.
Think about the last thing you said to the person who you love most. Did you weigh your words carefully? Did you analyze how the sentence structure was going to sound? Did you consider how much your inflection impacted the meaning of that sentence? Probably not. Most people don't. But our words seem to be the one thing that can preserve ourselves: "The powerful play goes on, and you get to contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

So here's moments, experiences, emotions, and all that other shit in words. Words ordered specifically and meaningfully (as much as I can get) to fit the right moment. Read, peruse, think or slander them. They're out here to be heard, and hopefully, show a little something.

What you thought

That it'd be hard (it is)
That running back would change things (the outcome)
That you were afraid (could you do it?)
That you'd cry everyday
That you wouldn't be missed
That Seymour was impossible
That a musical in 24 hours couldn't be done (you were wrong)
That you were trying to prove something to everyone else
That it would be life changing (it is, everyday)
That you convince her that Kake was a the best idea
That she didn't actually like you (she does)
That she wouldn't miss you (she does)
That it'd be a bigger culture shock
That travelling wasn't who you were (Fuck dat shit)
That you wouldn't figure out military time
That it'd still be unsettling
That the Scots were all bruts (Jury's out on that one)
That it wouldn't feel as good as it does

Like Clouds Resting
Like clouds resting on foreign mountaintops
I seem to hover above this thing,
this time,
The extreme "out-of-body" experience

And it's you I keep coming back to
like Turbulence that won't go away
But the good kind.
That kind that makes your stomach go into your throat

Flying
Your Smile.

I've got to get grounded





What It is
Sitting in the Airport, waiting to board a flight
She holds his seat with her coat
He gets her a coffee
-forgets how she takes it, goes back 3 times to get it right
He carries her coat, toates her suitcase
She carries nothing

Standing in line, waiting to have your passport checked
He cries, because she won't play with him
She is organizing their travel documents, stops to pretend to eat his fingers
-She can't bear to hear him whimper when she puts him down
She picks him up; he's still hers before any girls steals his heart
For now; she'll take what she can get

Boarding the plane, smiling at the flight attendent
He has talked security into allowing him to escort her to the plane
-She is crying
They stop 3 times, to kiss and hug; like it's their last time (maybe it is)
He whispers words of affection, encouragement
His hand is the last she feels as she ascends the stairs to the plane

Sitting in a chair, hovering above the Alps
Daydreaming about you
Thinking about how crazy I am; how many days since i've talked to you?
Thinking I wasn't prepared for you (for what you could be)
Remembering your eyes, the smell of your hair (and how it lingered)
-the feeling of you breathing as I lay there next to you

It's capable of all these things
And yet;
Why can't we describe it except with moments like these?

I guess, and i'm no expert
It is, what it is.


Hopefully those work on some level.
Here's the breakdown:
-Drunk Disney is the greatest idea anyone has ever had.
-Getting video messages while abroad really makes you miss home. And R. Kelly covers make that feeling soooo much better.
-Italy is the greatest, especially on bikes and bookended with gelato
-Parma Pizza; try it
-A solid friendship can withstand any amount of time that has passed
-Things do look better from above; I understand that now
-Good advice comes from many different places: you just have to know where to listen and when
-Home has changed meaning for me now; i'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
-Comfort is a beautiful thing
-Sometimes you don't know you need to relax until you actually start to do so.
-Sometimes, saying that thing that won't change things permanently but will temporarily do so, is enough
-Happiness is made from those people who choose to see it everyday, and not by those who think it's something the universe grants.


Until later,

Scotland: Natural Wonders

Here's a tip: if you get the opportunity to drive to the Highlands of Scotland, do it. Drive. Don't hire a bus. Drive, and let yourself be engulfed by the beauty that is Glen Coe, Inverness, and Loch Ness. the mountains literally take you away from it all, and suddenly it's just terrain and sky.

And so you think, can you get closer to peace? Can you feel more in touch with your natural side than at this moment, where the car is bouncing (literally) down the narrow streets and your stomach is dropping every fifteen seconds? Or when the boat sails past Urquhart Castle, and you're reminded of the fact that these things have been here for more than 800 years? And the easy response would be to feel either really insignificant, really small, or to push yourself away from feeling any bit of connection to these moments. But I chose the road less taken (again, literally). I let myself experience the natural connection I had to these moments. And it occurred to me that this is something I don't let myself do very often.

I'm the kind of guy runs back to say that thing one more time. I'm the kind of guy who likes to surprise people, and maybe once surprise myself. And after the week i've had, I have learned a very valuable lesson about being abroad and having this experience: not every day is going to be amazing. In fact, most days might just plain suck. And i'm starting to think that the graph we were shown at pre-orientation is completely accurate: i'm slowly falling into the lull of it. But you keep your head up, and you say to yourself "it gets better". Running back won't always help. That's just part of the experience. And it would be incredibly easy for you to let that ruin it for you. You could let all of that stuff bog you down as you pass my the mountains, the Loch, the pubs. (HINT: don't pass by the pubs).

But I didn't. I lived in the Natural Wonder and relationship that formed. And it hit me; i've only recently felt that a relationship could be so natural. I look back on the types of relationships i've had, and very few came without struggle. Very few came without complications. Very few came peacefully. And i know that we naturally fight for what we want most in life, but I can count on one hand (minus 2 fingers) the number of relationships that just WERE. They say if you want to be happy, you have to just be. And I like that, and I think it applies here as well. If you want the relationship to work, if it's something worth fighting for, you won't have to fight at all. Just be in the relationship. And let the natural wonder of it rush over you. It's pretty incredible.

So keep driving on. Breathe in the mountain air, take another look for Nessie, and be present.

More things about Scotland:
-Weekend trips, while exciting and amazing, are exhausting.
-I can now sleep on any mode of transportation
-Highland Cooooooos are the best. But they pick their nose with their tongue.
-BC Eagles are really good at pub quizzes.
-The MacDonald Clan was a ruthless, heartless bunch. Hoping I didn't get too much of that heritage in my blood.
-Castles are beautiful, but impractical. Very little insulation.
-Don't be stupid at a Pub Crawl. Just don't be stupid.
-Running back isn't always the best option.
-Try to be the person you'd be if you were going into an audition. That way there's no difference between the guy who makes the first impression and the guy who rehearses.
-If given the information that the Bomb will cost the same amount as the Shot, always go with the Bomb.
-The Loch Ness monster is real. No matter who tells you what.
-There's something to be said for believing.

Until later,

Scotland: kicking ass and taking chances

Very often in life we forget how romantic we can be. The opportunity is  presented to us often: will we run back and tell them that one more thing? Will we share one more kiss? Will we do something we're afraid of simply because we know it would hurt more not to take the chance? Here's something i've learned recently: Romance is an universal law. Like gravity, romance is everywhere. You watch that opening scene from Love Actually and you realize right away that every bit of it is true. Affection is all around us. Sometimes, we avoid it like some bad song. Sometimes we cower from it. And sometimes we just take the leap.

As human beings, it's easy to forget just how beautiful the world is. In a world that is racing by every single day, how often do you literally stop and smell the roses? How often do you look up and say "Hey, thanks for that" to the universe or whatever else is up there? While in Scotland, i've gotten into the healthy habit of doing it at least once a day. And everytime I do, I know that i'm doing exactly what I should've. Boom. The universe and I have lined up. Suddenly. And without warning.

So here's an updated list, just to keep it fresh:
-Thank God for the universality of musical-theatre geeks
-Suddenly, Seymour
-Sometimes, good things do happen after 2AM
-Scottish weather reminds me of New England weather; always bring a raincoat
-Wind is a reminder that the world is still moving
-DUBLIN in like a week. Hell yeah to getting my traveling started
-The future doesn't need to be sorted now. You'll get there eventually, right?
-American History abroad has a much different taste. I can't call it bitterness. But there's definitely a difference in understanding. Whose fault is that?
-With so little regulations and restrictions on authority and leadership (mainly in academics), how does anybody get anything done around this place?
-A musical put up in 24 hours feels a little insane. But holy Jesus, is it worth it.
-If the mind and the body are so distinct, Descartes, why does it make me want to punch a wall everytime I have to walk to philosophy class?
-Scottish people put a lot of faith in an out-of-town American who sang a little ditty and tripped over his own feet. Thanks Cecilians, for that.
-There's a old, polish man back home who'd I'd like to grab by the shirt collar and ask if he still thinks i'm not "leading man material".
-I could get used to being a part of "Kake"

Until later,

Scotland: Timing

I have been thinking about my time here thus far as merely a vacation, when today it hit me: I have much more time here. I kept thinking that i'm running out of time. As if I NEEDED to get comfortable immediately. I have time to grow into this place, to make this experience count. I like that feeling. There's power in the words "there's still time for that".

The mindset of this experience as a vacation suggests that it was like an escape. Isn't that the point of a vacation? To escape? Like the exotic nature of the new location will wipe away whatever past dirt-stains i've received or whatever blood i've got on my hands. And maybe that was the way I was thinking before, as if going off to a foreign land would make me a new person, with no outside influence, and as if I could come back home different from how I left. And maybe that's still an expectation that I have, but i've realized something: This isn't escape. I didn't go abroad to run from anything, and I think i've limited myself thus far to thinking about Scotland that way. There's more to this semester than to get away from myself.

I suppose most people like to think that there's answers that we search for in life. Going abroad, I realize that there is no answer that i'm looking for over here. I'm not trying to find myself among the castles, beer, and thick accents. The only thing that i'm looking for is what I know is already here, what I already have, but haven't fully explored yet.

Maybe it's time to go out and see a bit more.
Until later,

Scotland: the people

Have you ever thought about the moment when we meet someone new? Isn't it a fascinating idea, becoming acquaintances with someone new, an event that sets up the basis for which an entire relationship is built upon, whether it is healthy or not. What questions do we ask? What pieces of information do we gather from each other? In this social-interview, what do require from the other person? What do try to gain from that interaction?

Being abroad has made me realize that we have a lot of power when it comes to how we present ourselves. Will we choose to close ourselves off, or will we choose to put ourselves out there? And if we're putting ourselves out there, how much of ourselves are we throwing out there? I could choose to spend all day long in my room, never see much of Scotland, and not meet any of the locals or any of my flatmates. i have the power to make my self unavailable to these people, and most of the time, it would be the easy choice. thus far, something i've learned about myself is that I don't like the feeling of being alone. I am not comfortable in my own mind. To be left alone with my thoughts is one of my greatest fears. And frankly, I need to get comfortable with that.

A great friend helped me realize (over a pint of Stella...which by the way tastes so much better in Europe for whatever reason) that I am doing this for me. This experience is not for anyone else to have, just me. And so the choice to put myself out there (rather than close myself off) is one that holds a bit more gravity than it did before. Will I introduce myself to whomever I can? Will I make lasting friendships despite the fact that I am only here for 3 months? What am I willing to do (or give out) to make this experience count for something, for myself?

So you do the usual dance. The Introduction: My name. My country or origin. My plans in Scotland. What i'm studying (Three courses, and the best schedule ever). How I'm liking the country so far.
And I ask them about themselves. Something I've never been good at. Because they are part of what makes this experience count.
I'm getting good at the dance, and the people i've met are awesome.

So here's the condensed version of the semester so far:
1. Edinburgh is beautiful. And the Queen has a beautiful boat, and thankfully, she is willing to share it with the public every once in awhile.
2. I'm part of the MacDonald Clan. Giddy-up.
3. Seeing people who comfort you is a wonderful feeling. Like a breath of fresh air when your flat smells like baking soda.
4. UK mail takes as long as the waitresses take to give you your check over here.
5. You can survive on 5 quid a day
6. Money matters when you have no other options.
7. Clubs are NOT my scene, and they're terrifying.
8. There's a difference between great strangers and strangers who have ulterior motives(like an interest in the girls at the pub with you). Know the difference.
9. Words that are meant to hurt when shared from back home hurt more while abroad.
10. Sunglasses in Scotland can make you look like an asshole. But you get past it.
11. You can't always escape the things you've left behind. Don't assume it's that easy.
12. My flatmates are the typical first-years: full of hope and desire to make an impression. I hope they know that they're making an impression on me.

Until later,

Scotland: A study in pubs and growing up

So here's the thing: I should be using this blog for my study abroad experience, and thus far, I haven't done a great job of doing so.

So here's a break down of every day since i've been here:

Day 1- Jetlagged and very tired,  I went out with Christine and her mother, which was a blast. We got some dinner, then went to a local bar and got some drinks. Getting back home was a hike unfortunately, and I have a feeling there will be no easy way to do it. We found some pubs in this nice back alley called Ashton Lane, a cobble-stoned street with street musicians. I dropped a two-pence coin some guys guitar case, my first coin given to Scotland.The flat was lonely and kind of scary, and i'm still unsure if someone was actually living here (I keep hearing some creaking and I can't tell if it's an opening door or not...i'm scared to check). I'm also not sure if i'm living with freshers (first years) or international students. I'm really hoping it's international students. I also missed breakfast with Christine and her mom today because my phone is an hour behind what the time actually is (I don't know why), and so my alarm didn't go off. I did figure out that the desk chair in my room  spins really fast and can roll across the room....not that i've tried it.

Day 2- Had my first experience on the Glasgow "Underground" today. There's also a subway station in that area to downtown Glasgow, which I took today. It is so easy to get around, considering the track is a giant loop, which is awesome. Buchanan Street is like the time's Square of Glasgow. It's a pedestrianized, cobble-stone street (A staple of Scottish streets, evidently) with lots of shops, museums, and theatres. Downtown is a wonderful area, full of beautiful architecture and tremendous music and people. I heard at least 17 different accents walking through. I got the phone I wanted, and a very simple plan that will only be about ten pounds a month (BOOM). Also,they have like 14 digits in their phone numbers, which seems excessive to me. Also the phones don't ring here? It's just a long beeping sound....what the hell is going on here? I also bought some groceries today (for 14 pounds I get milk, bread, some plastic cups and silverware, peanut butter, water and apples....I AM THE MASTER OF LIVING ON MY OWN).

Day 3-  Checked with the main desk right now to see if I can expect any of my roommates today. Apparently someone should be living with me already.....where are they?  I didn't go out last night, so it was very quiet. Spent most of the night journaling, reading, or watching illegal online versions of shows. I walked around Byres Road a bit during the day, which is the main street in the West End of Glasgow. It's full of life and business. the whole driving-on-the-left-side-of-the-road thing still has not fully registered with me yet. It's pretty insane that people can jay-walk when cars come whipping around the corner. The cars are significantly smaller, but i'm convinced one would throw me at least 40 feet. Also, i accidentally put all of my groceries in the freezer instead of the fridge, and my milk and water froze. My apples are all of varying shapes, and squishy following the defrosting. Maybe I need to get a little better at this surviving on my own stuff.

Less than an hour later- I have one flatmate! Her name is Qiao (pronounced Chow, but she said I could call her Georgia...thank god), and she's from China. She's very tired, but at least i'm not lonely anymore. My phone was acting up pretty terribly (apparently Orange (the company) gave told me the wrong number, which is great), but the problem seems to be relatively "fixed" after hours calling the phone company and bitching to others. I wandered around campus a bit today....it's absolutely huge. I have no idea what are academic buildings and which are offices...so the 17th should be fun. All of it looks like something that Dracula should be haunting (which is coincidentally a term they use for "visited frequently", see: "It's a popular haunt in these areas".) Or even Hogwarts. The Union (giant tower) is taller than Gasson, and even older. All of it is incredibly intimidating. Christine and I went out with her roommate, Rachel, and another girl that Rachel knew, named Frida. Both are really awesome. We went out to his nice restaurant (on Ashton Lane) that used to be a theatre and now is a pub and eatery. Really awesome beer (Tennents, mmmmm), and great music selection. They do live music too, and i'm really looking forward to hearing some Scottish bands in pubs soon. Stole a cloth napkin for a dish towel, because why not express my kleptomania over here too? I'm meeting a lot of people over here that remind of folks back home, but maybe i'm just looking for comparisons.

Day 4- Orientation. We heard about how to register for courses and the process of getting everything finalized as far as academics go. The Study Abroad and Exchange Office does a lot for us, which is really nice. I'm in the process of checking with my adviser to see how I go about carrying over credits and so on. I might take a Exploring Scottish Culture class, which would be really cool. It's set up similarly to American Studies, in that in covers the History and the Literature of Scotland throughout time and how culture shaped the country, rather than the other way around. There's this really amazing event happening in Scottish Parliament right now, where for two years (it's been going on for a year) the people have the opportunity to vote on whether Scotland will receive it's independence from the UK. Apparently that is all supposed to be decided by April. It would be incredible, seeing as for years Scotland has gone back and forth on the idea of not being ruled by Great Britain, and seeking it's freedom. The woman (one of the Study Abroad Advisers, Collette McGowan) explained it that you can ask any Scottish citizen, and on any given day they will give you a different answer to the question "should Scotland by free?". The Scottish Culture course would cover this idea, and focus on it's impact on the country. We met the rest of the BC students who are here (there's 5 of us total) and planned with the BC liason several trips. Her name is Rhona and she's wonderful. Plus, BC covers all of the expenses, and frankly, what the hell else could you want out of this abroad experience? So we're going out to dinner with her next week, then to a futbol game, then a weekend trip to the Highlands (and to Loch Ness........fuck yeah Nessie). the other students from BC are really awesome. I actually went on Kairos with one of the girls (Michele). I was talking to the other boy with me (Sean) and he was also trying to figure out the whole Bank of America-getting money issue. He said that he was told that Barclay would maybe give him a debit card which would work with his BOA account. So we walked (like a 45 minute walk) into the East-end of the city to the nearest Barclay chain. When we got there, they said we'd have to open an account with them, and we couldn't do that if we were only here for one semester. Apparently that's an issue with most banks in the UK. Also had some of the best fish and chips i've ever. Scottish pubs are the freakin' best. Went grocery shopping last night, and walked over 50 pounds of groceries two miles back to my flat in the rain. Scotland has me as her Bitch.


Which brings us to Today, Day 5- Went on my walking tour today of Glasgow, and took lots of pictures. Finally saw the majority of the University, which is overwhelmingly huge. But the tour guide was helpful. There are competing Student Unions here, so I'll be joining one of those. It feels like fall over here, but every night it rains. I keep thinking "and at night, the rain comes..." in a really ominous voice. Also, apparently it's not appropriate to sing to yourself around here? And I thought the streets were going to be filled with that. Right now, I am drinking my first legally-purchased beer from a grocery store. Stella tastes so much better in Europe, and I don't know why.

So that's Scotland so far in a nutshell. It's wonderful, and scary, and nothing like I expected. Thank God for that.

Until later,

Scotland: a-broad

Today I sit in the big city of Glasgow, Scotland. After 16 hours of travel, a rain storm (I've been told by my friends here before me that I brought the rain....sorry guys), a cheap cell phone purchase, a flat all by myself, and the first sweater of September (say whatttt?) I am finally abroad.

I had a lot of expectations about going abroad. Mostly the negative ones, which are just as unhealthy as the good expectations we hold. I had expectations of missing a flight, not being able to communicate with anyone, getting lost, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and so on. I tried to keep an open mind, but it's hard to when you feel like there's some many things to take care of and there's only one of you. The stress kept me up most nights, and that includes when I finally got here. Loneliness, and a feeling like you can't communicate with anyone you actually want to talk to, can do that to you.And while I swore last night that I wasn't ready for this experience, i'm starting to understand something. The thing is, I was not meant to be ready for this experience. No one else is, so why should I be?

Experience is only as important as you make it. My expectations (regardless of how real or ridiculous they may have been) may have soiled this experience if I hadn't realized that part of going abroad is getting lost a bit. You have to not know what to do. Living on your own may be hard, but that's the point. And now it has me asking: What else could I have expected?

So here's some highlights/thoughts from the experience thus far:
-Sat next to a wonderful Brit, named Amanda, on the flight over to London. She was heading home after 12 and half years, to say goodbye to her sister who had died. Still she was one of the most cheerful people I had met thus far. She was just so happy to going home. I hope I feel that way when I am coming back the states.
-The differences between TSA and the airport personnel in Great Britain is kindness. the Heathrow airport staff was so wonderful with all of my questions. Logan airport staff yelled at me.
-I wish I had brought an umbrella.
-Glasgow has some of the most beautiful architecture I have ever seen. I can't wait to visit more of Scotland to what else there is here.
-While I felt really lonely and lost at this time yesterday, I realized that a cell phone has made me feel that much more comfortable. I don't know if that's sad or if that's just the future. Probably both.
-Loneliness takes over when you realize that it's just you and your thoughts. And when those thoughts scare you, that's the worst. But perhaps that's just to show the importance of company.
-If the walk to campus wasn't such a bitch, i'd feel much better about my residence.
-I could used to this place. And I will.

And with that, I have only more expectation: To have a good time, to enjoy it. While it lasts.

Until later,

Do you like me, or do you like-like me?

Found this tonight during one of my random patches of insomnia. I really enjoy it, mainly because it's an idea that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which is better: to be liked, or to be honest? I've always believed that honesty is the best policy, and yet I still have (a natural human compulsion) to be liked. It drives me on a daily basis, and it's something i'd really like to get over. Maybe these ten things will serve as incentive.

What can I say, i'm a work in progress.

Read on, and enjoy:

 by Lori Deschene

For most of my life, my need to be liked overshadowed all my other needs. I was always trying to manipulate perception, adapting myself to receive validation. It was draining and counterproductive, since very few people actually knew me—the real me—which is a prerequisite to liking me.
I’ve since learned it’s actually a good sign if there are some people who don’t accept or agree with me.
I’m not suggesting we should be rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful. This post isn’t about disregarding other people’s feelings.
This is about releasing our stress about other people’s opinions.
When you’re comfortable not being liked by everyone:

1. It allows you to be true to yourself.

The biggest disservice you can do yourself is shapeshifting to please your “audience” of the moment. It’s exhausting (even to watch) and, more importantly, pointless. No one will get to know who you really are, which will leave you feeling empty.

2. It gives you the power to say no.

I believe people are good at heart. Still, it’s human nature to test each other’s boundaries. When you’re willing to risk being disliked, you’re able to say no when you need to. Your yeses and nos shapes your future, so choose them wisely.

3. You’re more comfortable exploring your feelings.

Doesn’t it feel good to just be where you are without pretending for someone else’s sake? I’m not saying you should act in anger or fear, just that it’s pretty exhilarating to say, “Hell yeah—I’m terrified” (or lonely or weak or struggling) regardless of what people will think.

4. Your candor can help other people.

An angst-filled younger me made a fake voodoo doll for a middle school teacher who was hard on me, but forever changed my life (not my proudest moment). It’s often the least popular people who strike the deepest chord in us. Be unpopular when necessary and push people to be their best. You just may save someone’s life.

5. You can freely express your thoughts.

One of the kindest things you can do for someone else is listen without judging. You deserve that same kindness, but you won’t always get it. People will form opinions as you speak. Talk anyway. Let your words be kind but fearless.

6. It prepares you for greater success.

Pick a popular Twitter user and look at their @replies. Odds are they field their fair share of harsh comments. The higher you rise, the more attention you’ll receive, both positive and negative. A willingness to be disliked helps you deal with the added scrutiny.

7. It teaches you to offer kindness and compassion without expectations.

It’s not difficult to offer compassion to someone who treats you with respect and kindness. What’s more valuable for your personal development, and to humanity as whole, is the ability to do what’s right because it’s right—not because you get something in return.

8. You can inspire other people.

There is someone I know who has the uncanny ability to keep going even when others try to pull her down. I learn from her every day. To this woman, anyone who doesn’t appreciate her assertive, over-the-top personality is a reminder that she is unique and unafraid.

9. You can use your time wisely.

If you want to be liked by everyone, odds are you’re spreading yourself way too thin trying to keep them all happy. We need to use our time judiciously to enrich ourselves and others, instead of worrying about everyone’s perceptions.

10. You can choose to smile anyway.

You could use your energy to make daily inventories of everything that’s wrong—the money you don’t have, the esteem you didn’t earn, the people you disappointed. Or you could commit to being your best, and then just sit back and smile. Life will always be a balancing act. Learn to teeter in serenity.

All the Small Things

I went to the driving range today, and realized something: I suck at golf. I suppose, it doesn't matter. But I read this today, and it got me thinking: what are my golfballs? what are my pebbles? what is my sand?

Read and think for yourself. Hopefully, in the end, the golfballs are what you're willing to stand up for. The rest is just sand, a blowin' away in the wind.

Mayonnaise and Beer: Submitted by jrock on Sun, 2007/04/15 - 23:41

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers."


Until later,

Sitting around

I don't have much to say, but this quote got me thinking today. Einstein was a romantic at heart, so I sympathize with this idea.

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s Relativity.”

Albert Einstein

We learned about this thing called Kairos in one of the first theatre classes I took. This was the definition we were given:  Kairos  is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the supreme moment). Chronos refers to chronological or sequential time. Kairos signifies a time in between, a moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature.

The time of sitting with a pretty girl should always be in Kairos, but of course it oftens falls with Chronos. But I love the idea that the special something is dependent on who is using the word. We have the power to make moment be in Kairos. We make our own opportune moment. We make our supreme moments. That's a power that Chronos can't push along. Think about that, okay?

Until later,

Missing the last train home

The point of this blog was always to learn from it. And recently i've learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned. It goes back to the whole having and keeping expectations post. Maybe you're supposed to fuck up every once in awhile. Maybe that's the point of expectations; to learn which ones are realistic and which ones you wish were real. Happiness is when the expectations you have match up with the ones that are realistic. Every once in awhile, you'll be an asshole. Every once in awhile, you'll be a disappointment. Heartache is a part of life, right? I think that's the lesson I need someone to teach me right now. Because it feels a lot like i've suffered a lot more than others my age. And that's not asking for sympathy, because I can be and have been an asshole. But it still makes me wonder.

We cope with break ups and splits in various ways. We let ourselves go crazy, we get out of touch with our bodies. We become a hermit. We pretend like nothing is wrong. We act as if we can survive. We provide ourselves with thousands of reasons why that person wasn't right for us. We think of every reason why that person was right for us. We replace. We suffer. We distract ourselves. None of those tactics can make us feel whole again. And often times, we don't want to whole again. As they say, Time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart.

Ways i've tried to cope: Cut my hair (actually looks okay), talk things out extensively (a bit too much...sorry folks who've had to listen), get some great advice (thanks to those people too), complain, cry, listen to bad music and good music, miss a train home (sorry Mom), and cry some more.

I'm learning each step of the way. And I think the biggest wake up call is when you watch the last train home pull away from the station and get told you have to wait to see the people you love. So you tell me: what do you do when you're left to your own devices and your patience is wearing thin? Do you let others believe you're okay, or do you say exactly what you're thinking and destroy any barrier you've thrown up around you?

Until later,

Everybody Talks

Sometimes Life is too good to post about. Who wants to read about how good someone's life is? Ehh.

So here's something to get started again, as we have to do every once in awhile.

Maybe you’ve had some of  the same insights. Or maybe you’re about to.

1. You are not your mind.

The first time I heard somebody say that,  I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.

I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.

If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’sdoing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.

2. Life unfolds only in moments.

Of course! I once called this the most important thingI ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.

3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.

I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.

4. Most of life is imaginary.

Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.

5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

6. Emotions exist to make us biased.

This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional statescan’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.

7. All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering.

Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.) Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.

8. Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.

Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.

9. Objectivity is subjective.

Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.


Good shit, right? Gotta love insightful people. gotta love people actually posting on the internet. Much love.
Until later,

A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius

 This was another post from May 10th. Apparently I just like to make drafts and not post them. It makes a little more sense in the context of a few weeks ago, before I came home.

With the semester coming to a close, it makes me nostalgic. I'm not quite sure what for, because i'm not sure if I want to go home, or if I want to relive this year.

There are times when you go back somewhere you haven't been for awhile and realize that it looks different. The room's a little smaller, and the walls aren't quite as bright as they used to be. It's funny how we create visions and images of what we expect out of  the places that were so familiar to us. We know, down deep, that those places were so big and bright as we thought, but we compensated in our minds.

This is an interesting idea, isn't it? That our brain can over-embellish the places that we miss? And when we don't miss them, or dread returning to them, our subconscious does a great job of making those places look shabby, broken-down, and stifling.

So why would our minds do this much work? Why would they go to so much trouble to change the images we have in our heads of our hometowns or other places that we're returning to?

This year kicked me, hard. There were moments where I wanted nothing more than to run away. But now i know that I never truly wanted to run away from the problems I encountered, but instead work through them. If there was one thing that this year taught me, it's that hard-work cannot be taken for granted. If you want something bad enough, you work towards it, and you don't give in until you have gotten it. That's the point. It's heartbreaking at times, and it will make feel crazy at other times. But in the end, it'll be worth it.

Our mind work hard to recreate the images we have of place we're returning to because it would be heartbreaking if they didn't meet our expectations. What if we really wanted to return home, but once we did, we found we didn't fit in there anymore. Maybe our mind want to over-compensate for  the fact that they know we have changed. As scary as that seems, maybe it's true.

But i'm glad our minds are looking out for our hearts. It's good to know someone is.
Until later,

Dat Shit called LOVE

I've been trying to write a post like this one for a while now. But I could never find the right way to talk about Love. You can look at it from a variety of perspectives: scientifically, socially, interpersonally, emotionally, etc. but Psychology Today wrote this beautiful article about how love is "an act of will", giving less power to the idea of "love at first sight", which has always seemed a bit farfetched to me. Attraction is at first sight. While I believe that Love at First Sight can happen, it's rare, and i've only experienced it once.

So read away, and take note. Goooooood Shiiiiiit.

The Power of Love

Love is the best antidepressant—but many of our ideas about it are wrong. The less love you have, the more depressed you are likely to feel.

By Ellen McGrath, published on December 01, 2002 - last reviewed on March 30, 2009

Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.
It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.
There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.

Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.
One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.
It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.

• Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
• Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
• Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.

There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.
You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.

• Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.
• Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
• Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.
• Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.

Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.



Told you so. Keep the love you need. Surround yourself with people who matter and people who care. Search forever for those types of relationships. Until later,

Home

"Coming home used to feel so good, now i'm a stranger in my neighborhood"

It's true, I used to love coming home. There are always things about going home for summer that I love: mowing the lawn, seeing my dog, sleeping in a bed I don't have layer with sleeping pads and mattress pads, etc. But things have gotten different for me; difficult is a better world.

There's a moment when you realize that home doesn't fit the way you wanted it to. As child, you spend  your life imagining that you'll live in your hometown forever. It makes trips to other places feel like vacations, like you're an intruder in a foreign land. And what makes us feel comfortable is being home, and knowing that there is consistency in your life.

So what happens when your home is no longer the comforting place it once was?

What do you do when you can't relate anymore to the place where you thought you'd spend the rest of your life? Do you detach fully? Or do you try to save the damaged relationship? And how do you tell the people you love that it's not them, it's you?

It's fascinating, the idea of "growing apart". It's something that happens, though, as they say: a part of life. It's funny when they say that the place where you grew up is the biggest part of your life, and yet so is growing apart from that safe haven. Everything in it's due time, I suppose. There's things we have to let go of, though. As long as we're prepared to stay a certain distance from everything in your life.

Actually. Fuck that. Get emotionally detached. Feel terrible when you do. And be heart-broken every once in awhile. It's healthy to know you once had something worth holding on to that you can no longer have to call your own.

Until later,

Life through glasses

I wrote this post over a month ago and never published it; now it makes more sense and so I finished it:
 From March 2012

When I put on my new glasses on saturday I made the joke that everything was more clear to me now. Like "Boom! I can see!" Obviously, I could see before. Not well, but I wasn't blind without them. Well. I wasn't blind in a vision sense. I was blind to what I was willing to do for someone.

See the nice guy is starting to realize that you can finish last and still win the race. Fuck. I wasn't even in the race. I don't want to be in the race. But I guess once you're in it, you're in it to stay. Try to keep up,

Until later.

HYFY

It makes sense that it's been a long time since i've posted. But there are times in life when writing stuff down doesn't seem to do justice to the happiness and magic you're experiencing.

So to say hello again, here's a summary of my life:

The Top 10 Relationship Words That Aren't Translatable Into English

Pamela Haag on November 18, 2011, 9:00 AM

Here are my top ten words, compiled from online collections, to describe love, desire and relationships that have no real English translation, but that capture subtle realities that even we English speakers have felt once or twice. As I came across these words I’d have the occasional epiphany: “Oh yeah! That’s what I was feeling...”

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. 
Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it will happen soon… very soon.

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.
From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the "binding force" that links two people together in any relationship.
But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.

Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.
Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example.  We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t.  You “stick it out,” or not.
Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.  

Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.

  

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place:  She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.


Until later,
 

To Make a Difference

If there was ever a time where I needed guidance, now is it.

What the hell do you do when you hear that you'd be perfect at one thing, but you just aren't feeling it? I don't mean to bitch. I sound as if I'm bragging. But seriously. I'm caught. I'm stuck. I need to breathe.

I always thought i'd be the one to make a difference. It was always important to me, and I thought it would be my passion. But what happens when the thing you believed since the beginning of a long journey suddenly doesn't make any sense any longer? What the hell do you do when you lose your purpose, your passion? Do you make a difference? Or do you just let fate take the reigns?

I'm terrified of letting fate do what it wants? Because what if it ruins everything you've gained? What if you lose love? What if you lose sense of yourself? Because that's not what I want. I want to be secure. I want what i've gained.

I have found a love that I haven't ever realized before. It has made me question everything I have ever known. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Because she's awesome. You know when you say something so often, then you say if differently once, and it changes you're perspective on it? I find that phenomenon fascinating.

One day i'll have it figured out. Or, you know, before 1:30 tomorrow.

Change your life now, folkes.

Until later,

Keep It Simple, Stupid

Here's a story with a moral.

A girl was a sophomore is college. She went out one night with some friends and met a guy who was exactly the type she had dated her whole life. He talked a smooth game, had his confidence, and was easy-going when it came to meeting new people. They talked for awhile, and that night, exchanged numbers. They started texting back and forth (I believe the young-ins call this 'talking' nowadays); they were always very flirtatious, but never took it any step forward. He always talked about how he wasn't any good at relationships, and wasn't looking for anything serious, but thought she was awesome. She immediately got the idea that she could change him (this is one of those classic stories).
A few months later, this name-less girl was introduced to a guy who was a mutual friend of a friend. She was at a casual dinner, and thought nothing special of this guy. He was somewhat outgoing, and nice enough. After a few unplanned encounters, they exchanged numbers, and he did his best to be a stand-up guy. He had fallen into the friend-zone in the past, and worked his hardest to ensure that didn't happen again. The girl saw this effort, and it was intriguing. She found him interesting. He wanted to get to know her better, and wanted to see where it would go. Then he learned of Guy #1, and Guy #1 learned of Guy #2. There was a struggle for affection from this girl. Guy #1 thought he was a shoe-in. Guy #2 thought he was going to fall victim to the same old story. The Girl was torn, because Guy #1 was familiar, and Guy #2 was interesting. So which would she pick?

So she left it up to them. She told both Guys that if they really liked her, and wanted to be with her, then they would have to prove in ten words or less. Guy #1 knew exactly what he would say. The next day both guys went to the Girl's dorm, both ready to prove they were the right guy for her. She opened the door and Guy #1 said "I love you". The Girl was stunned, and she didn't know how to respond. Guy #1 thought he had won the battle for her affections. She turned to Guy #2 and looked at him to state his case. Guy #2 leaned in, and kissed  the girl as passionately as he could, then stepped back. And The Girl chose Guy #2.

The Moral: Actions speak louder than words. Don't use 3 words when none will do.

Keep it Simple, Stupid. KISS. Boom Chyeah.

Until later,

A few words of wisdom

Some people are so incredibly intelligent; and because of that I post this. Men, take notice and follow through. Remember that time you didn't make the first move, well fuck it. Do it next time.

Thanks to this guy; note: I did not write this. Someone way smarter did.

Staying OUT of the Friend Zone

One of the biggest problems college guys face with women is being put in the “Friend Zone.” I can tell you from experience that being in the zone is terrible for your confidence and feels downright miserable. There’s nothing worse than having the girl you are in love with rejecting you on a daily basis and seeing her with other men.
Once you’re in the friend zone it’s difficult to get out, but not impossible. Getting out requires using jealousy plot lines intertwined with non-neediness and well timed teases. I teach this to my more more advanced students. For everyone else, this article is about NOT getting put into the friend zone.
So you know to stay out of the friend zone…but how? There are two characteristics which differentiate friends from winners - TEASING and TAKING RISKS
TEASING
Let’s talk about teasing. If you’ve read any of my blogs or my book you’ll know that teasing is key to building sexual tension. You need sexual tension to get a girl attracted to you. So let me ask you…why do you think some guys get put in the friend zone? I’ll tell you, the guys failed to establish sexual tension.
Look at it this way - conversations that DO NOT have sexual tension are exactly like your normal conversations between friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Why SHOULDN’T you be in the friend zone if your conversations with the girl are just like everyone elses??? You need to differentiate yourself from everyone else. You need to be the one that brings the sexual tension into the interaction. Continue to tease and you will reduce your chances of being put in the friends zone.
RISK TAKING
Generally speaking…who’s supposed to make the first move? MEN of course. Both women and men understand that the man is supposed to initiate any major relationship escalation. The first kiss, the first time having sex, the marriage proposal, they are all supposed to be initiated by the man. So how does this relate to the friend zone?
One of the hardest steps to take in an interaction is the first kiss. Most guys look for the PERFECT time for a first kiss. Everything has to line up perfectly. But when you’re thinking about taking that step you’re scared of rejection..your adrenaline is rushing…your mind is running at a thousand miles an hour…you think that if you fail things are going to get awkward..etc..etc…Fear takes over and you freeze. You don’t go for the kiss. You think to yourself that next time will be different.
You’d be surprised how many times a guy gets placed in the friend zone because he fails to act. If you don’t kiss the girl she’s going to think that you DON’T LIKE HER and she’s going to move on to the next guy. She’ll put you on the back burner thinking you just want to be friends with her and continue her search for Mr. Right.
You need to get over yourself and be willing to take a risk. Don’t wait for the perfect moment to kiss her. Create the moment. Take any opportunity you have - even if you’re only alone with her for a minute or two.
I’d much rather be the guy who risked the kiss and failed than be the guy who wonders what would have happened if I tried.

Good right? Amen to you, sir. I'm making the first move.

IT WON'T

Direct Quote: "You meet the girl of your dreams, and want to say hi. But being the timid geek that you are, you go home and long for the day when your paths will cross again. IT WON'T. Life isn't a rehearsal. Do something for yourself, jackass".

I found it hilarious that I named this blog (is there a better word for blog? Because I hate that word) 'Rehearsing Life'. It actually makes me feel pretty foolish.
I started writing this to learn how to live life. To talk through it. To realize life's full potential, because, as I said, the goal is always learning from experience. And yet, by this quote's standards, I am not living life. I have to stop rehearsing for it. The show has started.

Now, the first part has not happened yet. Although maybe it has, and maybe one of the many girls i've gone home and wished I had said something to them about how beautiful they looked or how sweet they were was the one for me. But then again, maybe I haven't met her yet (hey, screw you, Michael Buble). "Do something for yourself, jackass". God that speaks to me.

But they're right. Life won't wait for me. It won't let me rehearse anymore, i've got to do the show now. I need to step on the stage and give them what i've got. Isn't that profound.

Maybe the ones i've met are more incredible than i'm giving them credit for. I really hope that's the case. Don't stop for me life, i'll catch up.

Until later,

To see how fate works

A year ago, I had one goal: to buy myself a car. I didn't want anything new, nothing fancy. I wanted a vehicle, on wheels, that wasn't my mom's van. I wanted a car that didn't demand a planned schedule as to when I could use it, and when my sisters would get it. I wanted a car that didn't come with an argument over whose turn it was to put gas in it every time someone wanted to use it. I want something that I could call my own, and use to my liking.

Isn't it amazing that we can sometimes trace a single decision, a monumental choice in our life back to one simple idea. Me wanting my own car started a whirlwind of events that never would've happened if the gas light wasn't the biggest argument between my twin sister and I.

I just wanted to say that fate is funny. And we get a lot done when we look at the smallest idea as being the plant for so much more than that.
Until later,

Formal Assessment

I've been trying to think of a proper analogy for being single in college. I could go with Barney Stinson's analogy of what being single is:
"Well it's not, it's not a candy store. It's post apocalyptic wasteland".

Which would actually be pretty accurate. College is like a picked-apart and torn land, in which only the strong survive, and the weak are picked off early in the night and are left heartbroken, beaten, or torn limb from limb.

But even that doesn't seem very fair. We're not all animals. Key word there: ALL.

But last night I think i figured it out. Being single in college is like a school dance. It makes sense, I swear.
See in a high school dance, you spend the first hour or so getting used to the DJ, meeting people, looking for your friends in the darkness and loud music. You're convinced that you're alone, that your so-called-friends are standing in huddle somewhere, laughing at your attempts to bump and grind through the crowd. Then you find them, scattered, and one  by one you make the sacred circle, moving around just amongst your friends, wondering where the girls are, and whether you'll even dance with anyone of the opposite sex. You don't make the first move, you can't. You wait until the girls find you, and then you mingle. This is by far the worst part. You do this weird mix and switch move, in which you sit at this awkward stance between knowing that a particular girl wants to dance with you (was that a signal she just gave me?) and doubting everything you know about social cues. It's actually sort of hilarious. Like putting a bunch of awkward turtles in one tank and asking them to try and co-exist. And if for some reason some girl does want to dance, it usually starts with some strange eye contact, then a position switch, then a fumbling with a first hand on the hip, hoping to god she doesn't go running.  And for some reason she doesn't run, you relax, and start to enjoy yourself.
But like a mating ritual; we spend a majority of the time we could've been getting down with our bad selves, and having a good time, trying to impress, trying to make connections. And we waste the time we've got. It's not going to last forever. The dance is almost over. Dance while you've got the chance.

College? I think so.
Until later,

20 years or The Leap

Today, I turn 20. It's not a big number when  you look at it in terms of the big picture of life, but it certainly marks the end and beginning of a certain time of your life.
It's the end of innocence of teenage years. Sure, there will always be times to blame the world for your problems, and bitch to your parents, and say that you've been hurt soooo many times. But 20 marks a time when these actions are no longer tolerated. People don't want to hear you complain. Figure out what the problem is, and solve it. Plain. Simple.

I completed my list. The list entitled: 20 Things to do before Turning 20. And although it came down to the wire and although I had my doubts, I couldn't have finished it without the help of a few people who mean the world to me.

Put on A.C. Newman- "Prophets" before reading this next part. Taking a cue from Ted Mosby and How I Met Your Mother:
This was the year I learned what the value of working is. It was the year I realized what it was I wanted to do with my life. It was the year I was rejected/stood up 10 separate times. It was the year I learned my tolerance for alcohol. It was the year I had my heart broken by the same girl, on 3 separate occasions. It was the year I moved in with some of the greatest friends I have ever had. And it was the year I got my ass kicked by a door. And i'll be damned if it wasn't the best year of my life.

until later,