"Coming home used to feel so good, now i'm a stranger in my neighborhood"
It's true, I used to love coming home. There are always things about going home for summer that I love: mowing the lawn, seeing my dog, sleeping in a bed I don't have layer with sleeping pads and mattress pads, etc. But things have gotten different for me; difficult is a better world.
There's a moment when you realize that home doesn't fit the way you wanted it to. As child, you spend your life imagining that you'll live in your hometown forever. It makes trips to other places feel like vacations, like you're an intruder in a foreign land. And what makes us feel comfortable is being home, and knowing that there is consistency in your life.
So what happens when your home is no longer the comforting place it once was?
What do you do when you can't relate anymore to the place where you thought you'd spend the rest of your life? Do you detach fully? Or do you try to save the damaged relationship? And how do you tell the people you love that it's not them, it's you?
It's fascinating, the idea of "growing apart". It's something that happens, though, as they say: a part of life. It's funny when they say that the place where you grew up is the biggest part of your life, and yet so is growing apart from that safe haven. Everything in it's due time, I suppose. There's things we have to let go of, though. As long as we're prepared to stay a certain distance from everything in your life.
Actually. Fuck that. Get emotionally detached. Feel terrible when you do. And be heart-broken every once in awhile. It's healthy to know you once had something worth holding on to that you can no longer have to call your own.
Until later,
Monday, May 14, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Life through glasses
I wrote this post over a month ago and never published it; now it makes more sense and so I finished it:
From March 2012
When I put on my new glasses on saturday I made the joke that everything was more clear to me now. Like "Boom! I can see!" Obviously, I could see before. Not well, but I wasn't blind without them. Well. I wasn't blind in a vision sense. I was blind to what I was willing to do for someone.
See the nice guy is starting to realize that you can finish last and still win the race. Fuck. I wasn't even in the race. I don't want to be in the race. But I guess once you're in it, you're in it to stay. Try to keep up,
Until later.
From March 2012
When I put on my new glasses on saturday I made the joke that everything was more clear to me now. Like "Boom! I can see!" Obviously, I could see before. Not well, but I wasn't blind without them. Well. I wasn't blind in a vision sense. I was blind to what I was willing to do for someone.
See the nice guy is starting to realize that you can finish last and still win the race. Fuck. I wasn't even in the race. I don't want to be in the race. But I guess once you're in it, you're in it to stay. Try to keep up,
Until later.
HYFY
It makes sense that it's been a long time since i've posted. But there are times in life when writing stuff down doesn't seem to do justice to the happiness and magic you're experiencing.
So to say hello again, here's a summary of my life:
So to say hello again, here's a summary of my life:
The Top 10 Relationship Words That Aren't Translatable Into English
Here are my top ten words, compiled from online collections, to
describe love, desire and relationships that have no real English
translation, but that capture subtle realities that even we English
speakers have felt once or twice. As I came across these words I’d have
the occasional epiphany: “Oh yeah! That’s what I was feeling...”
Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it will happen soon… very soon.
Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.
From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the "binding force" that links two people together in any relationship.
But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.
Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.
Retrouvailles (French): The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.
Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.
Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example. We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t. You “stick it out,” or not.
Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.
La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.
Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.
Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.
Forelsket: (Norwegian): The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.
Until later,
Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it will happen soon… very soon.
Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.
From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the "binding force" that links two people together in any relationship.
But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.
Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.
Retrouvailles (French): The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.
Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.
Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example. We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t. You “stick it out,” or not.
Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.
La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.
Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.
Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.
Forelsket: (Norwegian): The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.
Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.
Until later,
Thursday, April 12, 2012
To Make a Difference
If there was ever a time where I needed guidance, now is it.
What the hell do you do when you hear that you'd be perfect at one thing, but you just aren't feeling it? I don't mean to bitch. I sound as if I'm bragging. But seriously. I'm caught. I'm stuck. I need to breathe.
I always thought i'd be the one to make a difference. It was always important to me, and I thought it would be my passion. But what happens when the thing you believed since the beginning of a long journey suddenly doesn't make any sense any longer? What the hell do you do when you lose your purpose, your passion? Do you make a difference? Or do you just let fate take the reigns?
I'm terrified of letting fate do what it wants? Because what if it ruins everything you've gained? What if you lose love? What if you lose sense of yourself? Because that's not what I want. I want to be secure. I want what i've gained.
I have found a love that I haven't ever realized before. It has made me question everything I have ever known. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Because she's awesome. You know when you say something so often, then you say if differently once, and it changes you're perspective on it? I find that phenomenon fascinating.
One day i'll have it figured out. Or, you know, before 1:30 tomorrow.
Change your life now, folkes.
Until later,
What the hell do you do when you hear that you'd be perfect at one thing, but you just aren't feeling it? I don't mean to bitch. I sound as if I'm bragging. But seriously. I'm caught. I'm stuck. I need to breathe.
I always thought i'd be the one to make a difference. It was always important to me, and I thought it would be my passion. But what happens when the thing you believed since the beginning of a long journey suddenly doesn't make any sense any longer? What the hell do you do when you lose your purpose, your passion? Do you make a difference? Or do you just let fate take the reigns?
I'm terrified of letting fate do what it wants? Because what if it ruins everything you've gained? What if you lose love? What if you lose sense of yourself? Because that's not what I want. I want to be secure. I want what i've gained.
I have found a love that I haven't ever realized before. It has made me question everything I have ever known. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Because she's awesome. You know when you say something so often, then you say if differently once, and it changes you're perspective on it? I find that phenomenon fascinating.
One day i'll have it figured out. Or, you know, before 1:30 tomorrow.
Change your life now, folkes.
Until later,
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Keep It Simple, Stupid
Here's a story with a moral.
A girl was a sophomore is college. She went out one night with some friends and met a guy who was exactly the type she had dated her whole life. He talked a smooth game, had his confidence, and was easy-going when it came to meeting new people. They talked for awhile, and that night, exchanged numbers. They started texting back and forth (I believe the young-ins call this 'talking' nowadays); they were always very flirtatious, but never took it any step forward. He always talked about how he wasn't any good at relationships, and wasn't looking for anything serious, but thought she was awesome. She immediately got the idea that she could change him (this is one of those classic stories).
A few months later, this name-less girl was introduced to a guy who was a mutual friend of a friend. She was at a casual dinner, and thought nothing special of this guy. He was somewhat outgoing, and nice enough. After a few unplanned encounters, they exchanged numbers, and he did his best to be a stand-up guy. He had fallen into the friend-zone in the past, and worked his hardest to ensure that didn't happen again. The girl saw this effort, and it was intriguing. She found him interesting. He wanted to get to know her better, and wanted to see where it would go. Then he learned of Guy #1, and Guy #1 learned of Guy #2. There was a struggle for affection from this girl. Guy #1 thought he was a shoe-in. Guy #2 thought he was going to fall victim to the same old story. The Girl was torn, because Guy #1 was familiar, and Guy #2 was interesting. So which would she pick?
So she left it up to them. She told both Guys that if they really liked her, and wanted to be with her, then they would have to prove in ten words or less. Guy #1 knew exactly what he would say. The next day both guys went to the Girl's dorm, both ready to prove they were the right guy for her. She opened the door and Guy #1 said "I love you". The Girl was stunned, and she didn't know how to respond. Guy #1 thought he had won the battle for her affections. She turned to Guy #2 and looked at him to state his case. Guy #2 leaned in, and kissed the girl as passionately as he could, then stepped back. And The Girl chose Guy #2.
The Moral: Actions speak louder than words. Don't use 3 words when none will do.
Keep it Simple, Stupid. KISS. Boom Chyeah.
Until later,
A girl was a sophomore is college. She went out one night with some friends and met a guy who was exactly the type she had dated her whole life. He talked a smooth game, had his confidence, and was easy-going when it came to meeting new people. They talked for awhile, and that night, exchanged numbers. They started texting back and forth (I believe the young-ins call this 'talking' nowadays); they were always very flirtatious, but never took it any step forward. He always talked about how he wasn't any good at relationships, and wasn't looking for anything serious, but thought she was awesome. She immediately got the idea that she could change him (this is one of those classic stories).
A few months later, this name-less girl was introduced to a guy who was a mutual friend of a friend. She was at a casual dinner, and thought nothing special of this guy. He was somewhat outgoing, and nice enough. After a few unplanned encounters, they exchanged numbers, and he did his best to be a stand-up guy. He had fallen into the friend-zone in the past, and worked his hardest to ensure that didn't happen again. The girl saw this effort, and it was intriguing. She found him interesting. He wanted to get to know her better, and wanted to see where it would go. Then he learned of Guy #1, and Guy #1 learned of Guy #2. There was a struggle for affection from this girl. Guy #1 thought he was a shoe-in. Guy #2 thought he was going to fall victim to the same old story. The Girl was torn, because Guy #1 was familiar, and Guy #2 was interesting. So which would she pick?
So she left it up to them. She told both Guys that if they really liked her, and wanted to be with her, then they would have to prove in ten words or less. Guy #1 knew exactly what he would say. The next day both guys went to the Girl's dorm, both ready to prove they were the right guy for her. She opened the door and Guy #1 said "I love you". The Girl was stunned, and she didn't know how to respond. Guy #1 thought he had won the battle for her affections. She turned to Guy #2 and looked at him to state his case. Guy #2 leaned in, and kissed the girl as passionately as he could, then stepped back. And The Girl chose Guy #2.
The Moral: Actions speak louder than words. Don't use 3 words when none will do.
Keep it Simple, Stupid. KISS. Boom Chyeah.
Until later,
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
A few words of wisdom
Some people are so incredibly intelligent; and because of that I post this. Men, take notice and follow through. Remember that time you didn't make the first move, well fuck it. Do it next time.
Thanks to this guy; note: I did not write this. Someone way smarter did.
One of the biggest problems college guys face with women is being put in the “Friend Zone.” I can tell you from experience that being in the zone is terrible for your confidence and feels downright miserable. There’s nothing worse than having the girl you are in love with rejecting you on a daily basis and seeing her with other men.
Once you’re in the friend zone it’s difficult to get out, but not impossible. Getting out requires using jealousy plot lines intertwined with non-neediness and well timed teases. I teach this to my more more advanced students. For everyone else, this article is about NOT getting put into the friend zone.
So you know to stay out of the friend zone…but how? There are two characteristics which differentiate friends from winners - TEASING and TAKING RISKS
TEASING
Let’s talk about teasing. If you’ve read any of my blogs or my book you’ll know that teasing is key to building sexual tension. You need sexual tension to get a girl attracted to you. So let me ask you…why do you think some guys get put in the friend zone? I’ll tell you, the guys failed to establish sexual tension.
Look at it this way - conversations that DO NOT have sexual tension are exactly like your normal conversations between friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Why SHOULDN’T you be in the friend zone if your conversations with the girl are just like everyone elses??? You need to differentiate yourself from everyone else. You need to be the one that brings the sexual tension into the interaction. Continue to tease and you will reduce your chances of being put in the friends zone.
RISK TAKING
Generally speaking…who’s supposed to make the first move? MEN of course. Both women and men understand that the man is supposed to initiate any major relationship escalation. The first kiss, the first time having sex, the marriage proposal, they are all supposed to be initiated by the man. So how does this relate to the friend zone?
One of the hardest steps to take in an interaction is the first kiss. Most guys look for the PERFECT time for a first kiss. Everything has to line up perfectly. But when you’re thinking about taking that step you’re scared of rejection..your adrenaline is rushing…your mind is running at a thousand miles an hour…you think that if you fail things are going to get awkward..etc..etc…Fear takes over and you freeze. You don’t go for the kiss. You think to yourself that next time will be different.
You’d be surprised how many times a guy gets placed in the friend zone because he fails to act. If you don’t kiss the girl she’s going to think that you DON’T LIKE HER and she’s going to move on to the next guy. She’ll put you on the back burner thinking you just want to be friends with her and continue her search for Mr. Right.
You need to get over yourself and be willing to take a risk. Don’t wait for the perfect moment to kiss her. Create the moment. Take any opportunity you have - even if you’re only alone with her for a minute or two.
I’d much rather be the guy who risked the kiss and failed than be the guy who wonders what would have happened if I tried.
Good right? Amen to you, sir. I'm making the first move.
Thanks to this guy; note: I did not write this. Someone way smarter did.
One of the biggest problems college guys face with women is being put in the “Friend Zone.” I can tell you from experience that being in the zone is terrible for your confidence and feels downright miserable. There’s nothing worse than having the girl you are in love with rejecting you on a daily basis and seeing her with other men.
Once you’re in the friend zone it’s difficult to get out, but not impossible. Getting out requires using jealousy plot lines intertwined with non-neediness and well timed teases. I teach this to my more more advanced students. For everyone else, this article is about NOT getting put into the friend zone.
So you know to stay out of the friend zone…but how? There are two characteristics which differentiate friends from winners - TEASING and TAKING RISKS
TEASING
Let’s talk about teasing. If you’ve read any of my blogs or my book you’ll know that teasing is key to building sexual tension. You need sexual tension to get a girl attracted to you. So let me ask you…why do you think some guys get put in the friend zone? I’ll tell you, the guys failed to establish sexual tension.
Look at it this way - conversations that DO NOT have sexual tension are exactly like your normal conversations between friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Why SHOULDN’T you be in the friend zone if your conversations with the girl are just like everyone elses??? You need to differentiate yourself from everyone else. You need to be the one that brings the sexual tension into the interaction. Continue to tease and you will reduce your chances of being put in the friends zone.
RISK TAKING
Generally speaking…who’s supposed to make the first move? MEN of course. Both women and men understand that the man is supposed to initiate any major relationship escalation. The first kiss, the first time having sex, the marriage proposal, they are all supposed to be initiated by the man. So how does this relate to the friend zone?
One of the hardest steps to take in an interaction is the first kiss. Most guys look for the PERFECT time for a first kiss. Everything has to line up perfectly. But when you’re thinking about taking that step you’re scared of rejection..your adrenaline is rushing…your mind is running at a thousand miles an hour…you think that if you fail things are going to get awkward..etc..etc…Fear takes over and you freeze. You don’t go for the kiss. You think to yourself that next time will be different.
You’d be surprised how many times a guy gets placed in the friend zone because he fails to act. If you don’t kiss the girl she’s going to think that you DON’T LIKE HER and she’s going to move on to the next guy. She’ll put you on the back burner thinking you just want to be friends with her and continue her search for Mr. Right.
You need to get over yourself and be willing to take a risk. Don’t wait for the perfect moment to kiss her. Create the moment. Take any opportunity you have - even if you’re only alone with her for a minute or two.
I’d much rather be the guy who risked the kiss and failed than be the guy who wonders what would have happened if I tried.
Good right? Amen to you, sir. I'm making the first move.
IT WON'T
Direct Quote: "You meet the girl of your dreams, and want to say hi. But being the timid geek that you are, you go home and long for the day when your paths will cross again. IT WON'T. Life isn't a rehearsal. Do something for yourself, jackass".
I found it hilarious that I named this blog (is there a better word for blog? Because I hate that word) 'Rehearsing Life'. It actually makes me feel pretty foolish.
I started writing this to learn how to live life. To talk through it. To realize life's full potential, because, as I said, the goal is always learning from experience. And yet, by this quote's standards, I am not living life. I have to stop rehearsing for it. The show has started.
Now, the first part has not happened yet. Although maybe it has, and maybe one of the many girls i've gone home and wished I had said something to them about how beautiful they looked or how sweet they were was the one for me. But then again, maybe I haven't met her yet (hey, screw you, Michael Buble). "Do something for yourself, jackass". God that speaks to me.
But they're right. Life won't wait for me. It won't let me rehearse anymore, i've got to do the show now. I need to step on the stage and give them what i've got. Isn't that profound.
Maybe the ones i've met are more incredible than i'm giving them credit for. I really hope that's the case. Don't stop for me life, i'll catch up.
Until later,
I found it hilarious that I named this blog (is there a better word for blog? Because I hate that word) 'Rehearsing Life'. It actually makes me feel pretty foolish.
I started writing this to learn how to live life. To talk through it. To realize life's full potential, because, as I said, the goal is always learning from experience. And yet, by this quote's standards, I am not living life. I have to stop rehearsing for it. The show has started.
Now, the first part has not happened yet. Although maybe it has, and maybe one of the many girls i've gone home and wished I had said something to them about how beautiful they looked or how sweet they were was the one for me. But then again, maybe I haven't met her yet (hey, screw you, Michael Buble). "Do something for yourself, jackass". God that speaks to me.
But they're right. Life won't wait for me. It won't let me rehearse anymore, i've got to do the show now. I need to step on the stage and give them what i've got. Isn't that profound.
Maybe the ones i've met are more incredible than i'm giving them credit for. I really hope that's the case. Don't stop for me life, i'll catch up.
Until later,
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