I went to the driving range today, and realized something: I suck at golf. I suppose, it doesn't matter. But I read this today, and it got me thinking: what are my golfballs? what are my pebbles? what is my sand?
Read and think for yourself. Hopefully, in the end, the golfballs are what you're willing to stand up for. The rest is just sand, a blowin' away in the wind.
Mayonnaise and Beer: Submitted by jrock on Sun, 2007/04/15 - 23:41
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of
sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans
of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the
jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students
laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends,
your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand
is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar
first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf
balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be
time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf
balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that
no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple
of beers."
Until later,
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Sitting around
I don't have much to say, but this quote got me thinking today. Einstein was a romantic at heart, so I sympathize with this idea.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems
like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s Relativity.”
Albert Einstein
We learned about this thing called Kairos in one of the first theatre classes I took. This was the definition we were given: Kairos is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the supreme moment). Chronos refers to chronological or sequential time. Kairos signifies a time in between, a moment of indeterminate time
in which something special happens. What the special something is
depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos
has a qualitative nature.
The time of sitting with a pretty girl should always be in Kairos, but of course it oftens falls with Chronos. But I love the idea that the special something is dependent on who is using the word. We have the power to make moment be in Kairos. We make our own opportune moment. We make our supreme moments. That's a power that Chronos can't push along. Think about that, okay?
Until later,
Missing the last train home
The point of this blog was always to learn from it. And recently i've learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned. It goes back to the whole having and keeping expectations post. Maybe you're supposed to fuck up every once in awhile. Maybe that's the point of expectations; to learn which ones are realistic and which ones you wish were real. Happiness is when the expectations you have match up with the ones that are realistic. Every once in awhile, you'll be an asshole. Every once in awhile, you'll be a disappointment. Heartache is a part of life, right? I think that's the lesson I need someone to teach me right now. Because it feels a lot like i've suffered a lot more than others my age. And that's not asking for sympathy, because I can be and have been an asshole. But it still makes me wonder.
We cope with break ups and splits in various ways. We let ourselves go crazy, we get out of touch with our bodies. We become a hermit. We pretend like nothing is wrong. We act as if we can survive. We provide ourselves with thousands of reasons why that person wasn't right for us. We think of every reason why that person was right for us. We replace. We suffer. We distract ourselves. None of those tactics can make us feel whole again. And often times, we don't want to whole again. As they say, Time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart.
Ways i've tried to cope: Cut my hair (actually looks okay), talk things out extensively (a bit too much...sorry folks who've had to listen), get some great advice (thanks to those people too), complain, cry, listen to bad music and good music, miss a train home (sorry Mom), and cry some more.
I'm learning each step of the way. And I think the biggest wake up call is when you watch the last train home pull away from the station and get told you have to wait to see the people you love. So you tell me: what do you do when you're left to your own devices and your patience is wearing thin? Do you let others believe you're okay, or do you say exactly what you're thinking and destroy any barrier you've thrown up around you?
Until later,
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Everybody Talks
Sometimes Life is too good to post about. Who wants to read about how good someone's life is? Ehh.
So here's something to get started again, as we have to do every once in awhile.
Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights. Or maybe you’re about to.
The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.
I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.
If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’sdoing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.
Of course! I once called this the most important thingI ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.
I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.
Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.
This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional statescan’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.
Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.) Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.
Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.
Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.
Good shit, right? Gotta love insightful people. gotta love people actually posting on the internet. Much love.
Until later,
So here's something to get started again, as we have to do every once in awhile.
Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights. Or maybe you’re about to.
1. You are not your mind.
The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.
I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.
If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’sdoing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.
2. Life unfolds only in moments.
Of course! I once called this the most important thingI ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.
3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.
I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
4. Most of life is imaginary.
Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.
5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.
Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.
6. Emotions exist to make us biased.
This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional statescan’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.
7. All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering.
Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.) Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.
8. Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.
Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.
9. Objectivity is subjective.
Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.
Good shit, right? Gotta love insightful people. gotta love people actually posting on the internet. Much love.
Until later,
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius
This was another post from May 10th. Apparently I just like to make drafts and not post them. It makes a little more sense in the context of a few weeks ago, before I came home.
With the semester coming to a close, it makes me nostalgic. I'm not quite sure what for, because i'm not sure if I want to go home, or if I want to relive this year.
There are times when you go back somewhere you haven't been for awhile and realize that it looks different. The room's a little smaller, and the walls aren't quite as bright as they used to be. It's funny how we create visions and images of what we expect out of the places that were so familiar to us. We know, down deep, that those places were so big and bright as we thought, but we compensated in our minds.
This is an interesting idea, isn't it? That our brain can over-embellish the places that we miss? And when we don't miss them, or dread returning to them, our subconscious does a great job of making those places look shabby, broken-down, and stifling.
So why would our minds do this much work? Why would they go to so much trouble to change the images we have in our heads of our hometowns or other places that we're returning to?
This year kicked me, hard. There were moments where I wanted nothing more than to run away. But now i know that I never truly wanted to run away from the problems I encountered, but instead work through them. If there was one thing that this year taught me, it's that hard-work cannot be taken for granted. If you want something bad enough, you work towards it, and you don't give in until you have gotten it. That's the point. It's heartbreaking at times, and it will make feel crazy at other times. But in the end, it'll be worth it.
Our mind work hard to recreate the images we have of place we're returning to because it would be heartbreaking if they didn't meet our expectations. What if we really wanted to return home, but once we did, we found we didn't fit in there anymore. Maybe our mind want to over-compensate for the fact that they know we have changed. As scary as that seems, maybe it's true.
But i'm glad our minds are looking out for our hearts. It's good to know someone is.
Until later,
With the semester coming to a close, it makes me nostalgic. I'm not quite sure what for, because i'm not sure if I want to go home, or if I want to relive this year.
There are times when you go back somewhere you haven't been for awhile and realize that it looks different. The room's a little smaller, and the walls aren't quite as bright as they used to be. It's funny how we create visions and images of what we expect out of the places that were so familiar to us. We know, down deep, that those places were so big and bright as we thought, but we compensated in our minds.
This is an interesting idea, isn't it? That our brain can over-embellish the places that we miss? And when we don't miss them, or dread returning to them, our subconscious does a great job of making those places look shabby, broken-down, and stifling.
So why would our minds do this much work? Why would they go to so much trouble to change the images we have in our heads of our hometowns or other places that we're returning to?
This year kicked me, hard. There were moments where I wanted nothing more than to run away. But now i know that I never truly wanted to run away from the problems I encountered, but instead work through them. If there was one thing that this year taught me, it's that hard-work cannot be taken for granted. If you want something bad enough, you work towards it, and you don't give in until you have gotten it. That's the point. It's heartbreaking at times, and it will make feel crazy at other times. But in the end, it'll be worth it.
Our mind work hard to recreate the images we have of place we're returning to because it would be heartbreaking if they didn't meet our expectations. What if we really wanted to return home, but once we did, we found we didn't fit in there anymore. Maybe our mind want to over-compensate for the fact that they know we have changed. As scary as that seems, maybe it's true.
But i'm glad our minds are looking out for our hearts. It's good to know someone is.
Until later,
Dat Shit called LOVE
I've been trying to write a post like this one for a while now. But I could never find the right way to talk about Love. You can look at it from a variety of perspectives: scientifically, socially, interpersonally, emotionally, etc. but Psychology Today wrote this beautiful article about how love is "an act of will", giving less power to the idea of "love at first sight", which has always seemed a bit farfetched to me. Attraction is at first sight. While I believe that Love at First Sight can happen, it's rare, and i've only experienced it once.
So read away, and take note. Goooooood Shiiiiiit.
Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to
believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the
pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for
entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be
depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk
food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think
it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.
One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.
It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.
You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.
Told you so. Keep the love you need. Surround yourself with people who matter and people who care. Search forever for those types of relationships. Until later,
So read away, and take note. Goooooood Shiiiiiit.
The Power of Love
Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not
negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both
physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are
at risk.
It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.
There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.
It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.
There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.
One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.
It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.
- Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
- Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
- Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.
You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.
- Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.
- Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
- Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.
- Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.
Told you so. Keep the love you need. Surround yourself with people who matter and people who care. Search forever for those types of relationships. Until later,
Monday, May 14, 2012
Home
"Coming home used to feel so good, now i'm a stranger in my neighborhood"
It's true, I used to love coming home. There are always things about going home for summer that I love: mowing the lawn, seeing my dog, sleeping in a bed I don't have layer with sleeping pads and mattress pads, etc. But things have gotten different for me; difficult is a better world.
There's a moment when you realize that home doesn't fit the way you wanted it to. As child, you spend your life imagining that you'll live in your hometown forever. It makes trips to other places feel like vacations, like you're an intruder in a foreign land. And what makes us feel comfortable is being home, and knowing that there is consistency in your life.
So what happens when your home is no longer the comforting place it once was?
What do you do when you can't relate anymore to the place where you thought you'd spend the rest of your life? Do you detach fully? Or do you try to save the damaged relationship? And how do you tell the people you love that it's not them, it's you?
It's fascinating, the idea of "growing apart". It's something that happens, though, as they say: a part of life. It's funny when they say that the place where you grew up is the biggest part of your life, and yet so is growing apart from that safe haven. Everything in it's due time, I suppose. There's things we have to let go of, though. As long as we're prepared to stay a certain distance from everything in your life.
Actually. Fuck that. Get emotionally detached. Feel terrible when you do. And be heart-broken every once in awhile. It's healthy to know you once had something worth holding on to that you can no longer have to call your own.
Until later,
It's true, I used to love coming home. There are always things about going home for summer that I love: mowing the lawn, seeing my dog, sleeping in a bed I don't have layer with sleeping pads and mattress pads, etc. But things have gotten different for me; difficult is a better world.
There's a moment when you realize that home doesn't fit the way you wanted it to. As child, you spend your life imagining that you'll live in your hometown forever. It makes trips to other places feel like vacations, like you're an intruder in a foreign land. And what makes us feel comfortable is being home, and knowing that there is consistency in your life.
So what happens when your home is no longer the comforting place it once was?
What do you do when you can't relate anymore to the place where you thought you'd spend the rest of your life? Do you detach fully? Or do you try to save the damaged relationship? And how do you tell the people you love that it's not them, it's you?
It's fascinating, the idea of "growing apart". It's something that happens, though, as they say: a part of life. It's funny when they say that the place where you grew up is the biggest part of your life, and yet so is growing apart from that safe haven. Everything in it's due time, I suppose. There's things we have to let go of, though. As long as we're prepared to stay a certain distance from everything in your life.
Actually. Fuck that. Get emotionally detached. Feel terrible when you do. And be heart-broken every once in awhile. It's healthy to know you once had something worth holding on to that you can no longer have to call your own.
Until later,
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