The Last One or a Year in the Life

It seemed appropriate that this last post comes on a day that I worked 13 hours, ran between two jobs, and finally spent it huddled with my friends as the ball dropped and 2013 came rolling around the corner. It's been one hell of a year, if this day has been any indication. I always said this blog was about self-discovery and figuring the big stuff out while I had the resources (a laptop and a clear mind) and the time. It's safe to say that this has been one of the greatest years i've had, and it's also safe to say that this was one of the best resolutions I ever made (and consequently one of the only resolutions I ever kept up with). And to all those out there who kept reading (and based on Blogger's charts, there are some of you out there), thanks for letting my thoughts be heard. Thanks for making em keep going. It's easy to give up on self-reflection, even more so when it's a New Year's Resolution.

So to end things, I wanted to mark the many lessons this past year has thrown me.

The Big Stuff:
January:
-We hold too high of expectations. We frequently should stop, taker a step back, and notice that happiness is not when our expectations are met, but when we hold realistic expectations. I can't be held back by my expectations any longer.
-Mistakes look like good ideas at first. You have to be let down every now and then. It makes us a little better.
-I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. I will never be more lucky to have such amazing people around me.
February:
-The universe has a funny way of letting you know that it's time to slow down and reset. For me, this came in the form of a large wooden door smacking me in the face. But those 5 stitches were just a sign that things were about to change.
-It's a good idea to sit back on major days (like birthdays) and figure out if you've accomplished what you want. If you haven't, change your mindset. DO it. Don't Rehearse any longer.
March:
-Actions speak louder than words.
-If something doesn't fit, change out of it. Don't toss and turn. And take a chance every once in awhile. It's important to throw ourselves into the canyon every once in awhile. You'll feel great afterwards for trying, regardless of the outcome.
April:
-Our future has a nasty way of keeping us from thinking clearly. The expectations we keep for what we want the rest of our lives to be like can sometimes destroy the amazing things we have in front of us in the present. We can't let that happen.
May/June/July:
-The little things matter most. Distinguish between your golf-balls, your pebbles, and your sand. Then have some beers.
-Love has many different forms, some that we can't see right away. That doesn't mean it's not there. Affection is all around us. Never forget that you are loved.
-There's a difference between feeling accomplished/feeling like you're making a difference and just earning a paycheck/sweating from working a lot of hours.
-As sad as it sounds, money matters. this year I learned the value of a dollar.
-Heartbreak is just a fact of life. It sucks, yes, and we all cope in different ways. That doesn't mean we get over it at the same rate.
-Time moves differently from moment to moment. Let it. Don't try to speed up or slow down moments.
-Coming home won't always feel the way it used to. You have to be okay with the way the comfort of home will change.
August/September/October/November:
- Traveling is no way to escape. But it's a good way to learn about yourself.
- Scotland is an amazing place.
-Great friendships last over time and distance. Great times are the same.
-You have to open to meeting new people and experiencing new things. 
December:
-Coming home can be daunting. And sometimes it can even be frightening. Take you time coming home. It will feel great once you're back.

Looking back, I haven't been rehearsing much for anything. Life performs itself, and all the other things come with it. Maybe it was a rough dress rehearsal at times, but there was always an audience, and there was always purpose. It may have taken me a while to figure it out for myself, but thanks for indulging me.

Happy New Year, everyone. throw out the bath water and ring the bells to bring in the New Year. Appreciate that when the clock strikes midnight, we all get a new start with new resolutions.

Until later?

Second to Last or 37

Here we go folks: one more day in the Old Year, and a new one on its way. I have always believed that you are supposed to bring in the New Year int he same style that you want the rest of the year to go. A year ago, I didn't do so hot. While I learned two very valuable lessons (1. That mixing alcohol is a dangerous game and 2. That my tolerance for alcohol wasn't great), I didn't succeed in bring in the Ne Year exactly as i'd like. It's funny though, because as much as I believe that the way you bring in the New Year affects how the rest of the year went, this year rocked. I'll get into that phenomenon later (tomorrow). So is New Years a hoax?  Or is it something to be cherished? There's an episode of HIMYM called "The Limo", where they talk about New Year's Eve being the biggest let-down of a night in the entire year. I'm still trying to figure out just how true that is.

I want preface this post by saying that this will be the craziest, most mentally-unstable idea i'll ever have. There. It's out there. I said it.

This is my 37th post. 37 is my lucky number. The reason for this is because I have always believed that the number 37 follows me. I see it everywhere. For awhile, I believed that it marked the universe at work. And I trusted that. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that I was sort of living my life waiting for 37 to show me the way.  And I can't do that. Watching the universe is like watching a pot of boiling water. Like the cardinal the evades being seen at the bird-feeder. I have learned to now take seeing the number 37 with a grain of salt.

There's such a thing as a universal-marker. Something makes me believe that the universe and fate sends us signs, markers, to indicate we're on the right path. I believe strongly in the idea that our story is mapped out. This is not to say that I don't trust free will, or us having any sort of say in our story. But I think we've all got a path. And I like to know i'm on that path. And I like to believe that 37 is that marker for me.

So Let's keep it going, universe. Gimme dem signs.

Until tomorrow,

4 Days More or When you're working at the Diner

Almost a year ago today, I started this blog as a process of self-discovery. There was something I wanted to discover about myself, but more importantly I had a sense that this year was going to be a big one.
We all sense those moments, don't we? I've talked recently about how we don't know that moments are life-changing until after they have happened, but we know whens something big is on the horizon right? We can tell when we're about to experience something big. Hopefully you all (who are you guys? we've never talked about that) know what i'm talking about.

Well today marked one of those events (of many) that made this year big. today I quit my job. Well. One of my jobs. I started working at the restaurant when I was 16. It was the first job that ever moved through the employment chain, doing almost every job that was available. It was the same line of work my father did, at the same restaurant, almost 30 years earlier. It was the first job that I was ever good at.

There are certain times in your life that can be marked by some consistent feature; something that never changed about you: a shirt you wore frequently, a haircut you had for a while, or a job that you held for a period of time. This restaurant was my constant for over 4 and half years. While working there I experienced prom, graduation, break-ups, starts of relationship, going off to college, leaving for abroad, all while finding myself among the pancakes, coffee pots and friendly faces.

Sometimes you can't see how much you've grown up until you've left something behind. Sometimes you have to find the perfect time to take a step back, and look at the place that's helped you grow so much over the last 4 years. Even if that step means driving away, smiling at the place where you learned how to wash a dish, how to greet a customer, and that sometimes a smile means so much more than you could think.

Until later,

Scotland: Take your Time Coming Home

I've waited a couple of days to make the last post for my trip to Scotland. It seemed appropriate for me to take some time after coming home to decompress and really think about what had just happened to me. And it's kind of amazing, because I don't have the words to talk about everything that's happened to me. Literally. There are no words that I could possibly use to talk about every event, every friendship, and every time I thought to myself "did you ever think you'd get here?".

For awhile I was really concerned with how I would talk about my abroad experience. It seemed to be the most important part of the semester: how you talk about it afterwards. How do you tell the people you care about most, who didn't necessarily share in the experience, about the life-changing (there's that word again) time you just had? And more importantly, how do you convince yourself that the last 4 months weren't just some elaborate dream, manufactured in the crazy, rolling hills of Glen Coe in your mind? And then it occurred to me; why do you need to talk about it? Why compare, contrast, strive to find a way to talk about those months? Is that so important to you?

I don't think I understood the idea that this experience is just for ME until just now. Why would it, or should it, be for anyone else?

Right around Christmas-time, I like to watch "It's a Wonderful Life", and not just because it's a Christmas-time movie, but because of it's message: Every moment is important. There's a really strong sense of fate and the workings of the universe in that film. We have an incredible impact on the places and people around us. Right towards the end of my time in Scotland, I was really afraid of being forgotten, or I suppose, of not having an impact on the people who had an impact on me. It seems ridiculous that that's something I'd want, but it seemed strange that these people and places could change my life, and that I wouldn't have an equal impact on them. Needless to say, i'm no longer worried about that. It's a Wonderful Life, and I couldn't ever forget that after my time in Scotland.

So thank you, Scotland, Nessie, the Cecilians, my Internationals, Flat A-Cheviot House, Dublin, Parma, the MacDonald Clan, Buchanan Street, and Kake: there are no words.

So here' the message: It's a Wonderful Life, if you take some time to stop and listen to the universe. Stare at the lights on the tree. And never forget that you have an impact on this world.

Until later,

Scotland: Life Changes, what if you don't?

Lately, i've been thinking about when I used to hear about other people's abroad experiences. It was always fun, you know, to hear about what to expect. Of course every experience was different, but the conversation always ended the same: "You're going to love it, it will change your life".
Now I talk a lot of about high expectations. Doesn't this seem like the highest of them all? Life-changing? I mean seriously, set the standards a little higher, please.
That's a huge idea just by itself, really. The fast that Life is so dynamic, so versatile, is incredible. We like to think of ourselves as being one person, one identity, at one time, and then we look at a picture of ourselves from years ago, or even months ago and we think about just how different we were back then, or sometimes just how different we are now. And that maybe scary, because change IS scary, but it's a simple fact of life.
I think a lot of people are resistant to such change because maybe they like where they are now. Maybe the universe has given them the perfect situation, at the perfect time, and they don't want to even conceive of a time where that could change. I know that's how I feel. Frankly, if someone told me months ago that the happiness I had then wouldn't last, i'd be distraught.
The funny thing about the universe is that it's goal is not to trick you or even to mess things up, but it's goal to change you for the better. Here's an exercise: if someone with the same amount of authority as the universe told you right now that 3 months from now you'd be broke, and begging on the street, would you question them and say "there's no way that's possible", or would you say "well there must be a good reason for that" and accept it? Most people would go with the former, only because they're so resistant to change. I am most people, in this case.
But I don't know. Maybe things can be life-changing. It seems strange that we can put that much gravity on one situation, one event, on time in our lives; but I look back on the last 3 years, and there have definitely been moments that have led me to change, or have shaped me to be the person I am today. so maybe it's okay to put that expectation on something like going abroad. Who's to say either way?

the funny thing about life-changing experiences is that at the time, they don't appear that way. In fact, often times they seems so insignificant, so subtle. The hold-your-breath moment right before a first kiss; the silence after someone says it can't work; the walk home that you think will be your last. These things are so habitual, so mundane that they don't feel that they should carry any weight. And yet, they do. The fact is, you're different. You're not going to feel right away. But look at the photographs again.

I absolutely hate being retrospective before it's due time, so I won't go there. And I'm not going to think about this experience being "life-changing" just yet. There's time for that later.

There's no new run-down, except to say that Scotland knows how to do Christmas.
Until later,

Scotland: A Climate Change

Something I really appreciate about New England in autumn is the temperature change. During the day, you have these crisp, but sunny and warm-ish hours, which slowly fade into brisk, windy nights. You start to be able to see your breath when you walk outside. You grab hot cider and wrap a scarf around your neck. And I love it so much. And when I went abroad, I was honestly really upset that i'd miss that time.

Now Scotland did have a bit of fall. I walked up the path to my flat one day and looked at the trees on either side of the concrete: they were fantastic colors and blazing like flames in the afternoon sun. Then we were hit with several rainstorms day-after-day, and those leaves all fell. And it got cold. Fast.

Scotland has a tremendous change in temperature when it comes to fall into winter. And I never appreciated that for what it was. Think about all the things in your life that you've seen go from hot and blazing to cold and smoking. Like when you dump pool-water on a bonfire. All at once, the light goes out. You can't see so clearly anymore. the Shadows disappear. The darkness moves in.

You have to learn to accept that moment when your senses must adjust. It may hurt, and it may be scary. Light makes things clear, makes it easier. but the darkness doesn't have to be scary.The fall turning into winter doesn't have to be so cold. If you're bundled up enough, you can get through it.

I'm learning to bundle myself better in Scotland. You have to. No point in wishing the leaves would go back to the tops of the trees. You have to learn to appreciate being able to see your breath again. You have to kick up the crunching leaves, and zip up the jacket a little tighter.
Be okay with being alone. Be okay with knowing how to move forward. Be okay with being alone with your thoughts.

Here's the breakdown:
-Scottish folks really know how to put on a party
-A fancy dinner means you wear a suit.
-You have to be okay with asking your flatmate to borrow his suit
-A bowtie can make you look so much more formal. Plus, it's classy.
-You can't run away from your past. Even if there's an ocean between you.
-I have learned to greatly appreciate a routine. There is so much comfort in the habitual.
-60 years. Wow.
-Thank god the Cecilian Society exists.

Until later,

Scotland: A Study in Poetry

You see, American films abroad can do two things: 1. They serve as pieces of nostalgia from the memories back home 2. They allow you to get a slightly different perspective on them.
Now, i've found that it's fairly easy to express yourself in journal entries (or blog posts like these); but I never considered the amount of impact that words can have.
Think about the last thing you said to the person who you love most. Did you weigh your words carefully? Did you analyze how the sentence structure was going to sound? Did you consider how much your inflection impacted the meaning of that sentence? Probably not. Most people don't. But our words seem to be the one thing that can preserve ourselves: "The powerful play goes on, and you get to contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

So here's moments, experiences, emotions, and all that other shit in words. Words ordered specifically and meaningfully (as much as I can get) to fit the right moment. Read, peruse, think or slander them. They're out here to be heard, and hopefully, show a little something.

What you thought

That it'd be hard (it is)
That running back would change things (the outcome)
That you were afraid (could you do it?)
That you'd cry everyday
That you wouldn't be missed
That Seymour was impossible
That a musical in 24 hours couldn't be done (you were wrong)
That you were trying to prove something to everyone else
That it would be life changing (it is, everyday)
That you convince her that Kake was a the best idea
That she didn't actually like you (she does)
That she wouldn't miss you (she does)
That it'd be a bigger culture shock
That travelling wasn't who you were (Fuck dat shit)
That you wouldn't figure out military time
That it'd still be unsettling
That the Scots were all bruts (Jury's out on that one)
That it wouldn't feel as good as it does

Like Clouds Resting
Like clouds resting on foreign mountaintops
I seem to hover above this thing,
this time,
The extreme "out-of-body" experience

And it's you I keep coming back to
like Turbulence that won't go away
But the good kind.
That kind that makes your stomach go into your throat

Flying
Your Smile.

I've got to get grounded





What It is
Sitting in the Airport, waiting to board a flight
She holds his seat with her coat
He gets her a coffee
-forgets how she takes it, goes back 3 times to get it right
He carries her coat, toates her suitcase
She carries nothing

Standing in line, waiting to have your passport checked
He cries, because she won't play with him
She is organizing their travel documents, stops to pretend to eat his fingers
-She can't bear to hear him whimper when she puts him down
She picks him up; he's still hers before any girls steals his heart
For now; she'll take what she can get

Boarding the plane, smiling at the flight attendent
He has talked security into allowing him to escort her to the plane
-She is crying
They stop 3 times, to kiss and hug; like it's their last time (maybe it is)
He whispers words of affection, encouragement
His hand is the last she feels as she ascends the stairs to the plane

Sitting in a chair, hovering above the Alps
Daydreaming about you
Thinking about how crazy I am; how many days since i've talked to you?
Thinking I wasn't prepared for you (for what you could be)
Remembering your eyes, the smell of your hair (and how it lingered)
-the feeling of you breathing as I lay there next to you

It's capable of all these things
And yet;
Why can't we describe it except with moments like these?

I guess, and i'm no expert
It is, what it is.


Hopefully those work on some level.
Here's the breakdown:
-Drunk Disney is the greatest idea anyone has ever had.
-Getting video messages while abroad really makes you miss home. And R. Kelly covers make that feeling soooo much better.
-Italy is the greatest, especially on bikes and bookended with gelato
-Parma Pizza; try it
-A solid friendship can withstand any amount of time that has passed
-Things do look better from above; I understand that now
-Good advice comes from many different places: you just have to know where to listen and when
-Home has changed meaning for me now; i'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
-Comfort is a beautiful thing
-Sometimes you don't know you need to relax until you actually start to do so.
-Sometimes, saying that thing that won't change things permanently but will temporarily do so, is enough
-Happiness is made from those people who choose to see it everyday, and not by those who think it's something the universe grants.


Until later,