Do you like me, or do you like-like me?

Found this tonight during one of my random patches of insomnia. I really enjoy it, mainly because it's an idea that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which is better: to be liked, or to be honest? I've always believed that honesty is the best policy, and yet I still have (a natural human compulsion) to be liked. It drives me on a daily basis, and it's something i'd really like to get over. Maybe these ten things will serve as incentive.

What can I say, i'm a work in progress.

Read on, and enjoy:

 by Lori Deschene

For most of my life, my need to be liked overshadowed all my other needs. I was always trying to manipulate perception, adapting myself to receive validation. It was draining and counterproductive, since very few people actually knew me—the real me—which is a prerequisite to liking me.
I’ve since learned it’s actually a good sign if there are some people who don’t accept or agree with me.
I’m not suggesting we should be rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful. This post isn’t about disregarding other people’s feelings.
This is about releasing our stress about other people’s opinions.
When you’re comfortable not being liked by everyone:

1. It allows you to be true to yourself.

The biggest disservice you can do yourself is shapeshifting to please your “audience” of the moment. It’s exhausting (even to watch) and, more importantly, pointless. No one will get to know who you really are, which will leave you feeling empty.

2. It gives you the power to say no.

I believe people are good at heart. Still, it’s human nature to test each other’s boundaries. When you’re willing to risk being disliked, you’re able to say no when you need to. Your yeses and nos shapes your future, so choose them wisely.

3. You’re more comfortable exploring your feelings.

Doesn’t it feel good to just be where you are without pretending for someone else’s sake? I’m not saying you should act in anger or fear, just that it’s pretty exhilarating to say, “Hell yeah—I’m terrified” (or lonely or weak or struggling) regardless of what people will think.

4. Your candor can help other people.

An angst-filled younger me made a fake voodoo doll for a middle school teacher who was hard on me, but forever changed my life (not my proudest moment). It’s often the least popular people who strike the deepest chord in us. Be unpopular when necessary and push people to be their best. You just may save someone’s life.

5. You can freely express your thoughts.

One of the kindest things you can do for someone else is listen without judging. You deserve that same kindness, but you won’t always get it. People will form opinions as you speak. Talk anyway. Let your words be kind but fearless.

6. It prepares you for greater success.

Pick a popular Twitter user and look at their @replies. Odds are they field their fair share of harsh comments. The higher you rise, the more attention you’ll receive, both positive and negative. A willingness to be disliked helps you deal with the added scrutiny.

7. It teaches you to offer kindness and compassion without expectations.

It’s not difficult to offer compassion to someone who treats you with respect and kindness. What’s more valuable for your personal development, and to humanity as whole, is the ability to do what’s right because it’s right—not because you get something in return.

8. You can inspire other people.

There is someone I know who has the uncanny ability to keep going even when others try to pull her down. I learn from her every day. To this woman, anyone who doesn’t appreciate her assertive, over-the-top personality is a reminder that she is unique and unafraid.

9. You can use your time wisely.

If you want to be liked by everyone, odds are you’re spreading yourself way too thin trying to keep them all happy. We need to use our time judiciously to enrich ourselves and others, instead of worrying about everyone’s perceptions.

10. You can choose to smile anyway.

You could use your energy to make daily inventories of everything that’s wrong—the money you don’t have, the esteem you didn’t earn, the people you disappointed. Or you could commit to being your best, and then just sit back and smile. Life will always be a balancing act. Learn to teeter in serenity.

All the Small Things

I went to the driving range today, and realized something: I suck at golf. I suppose, it doesn't matter. But I read this today, and it got me thinking: what are my golfballs? what are my pebbles? what is my sand?

Read and think for yourself. Hopefully, in the end, the golfballs are what you're willing to stand up for. The rest is just sand, a blowin' away in the wind.

Mayonnaise and Beer: Submitted by jrock on Sun, 2007/04/15 - 23:41

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers."


Until later,

Sitting around

I don't have much to say, but this quote got me thinking today. Einstein was a romantic at heart, so I sympathize with this idea.

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s Relativity.”

Albert Einstein

We learned about this thing called Kairos in one of the first theatre classes I took. This was the definition we were given:  Kairos  is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the supreme moment). Chronos refers to chronological or sequential time. Kairos signifies a time in between, a moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature.

The time of sitting with a pretty girl should always be in Kairos, but of course it oftens falls with Chronos. But I love the idea that the special something is dependent on who is using the word. We have the power to make moment be in Kairos. We make our own opportune moment. We make our supreme moments. That's a power that Chronos can't push along. Think about that, okay?

Until later,

Missing the last train home

The point of this blog was always to learn from it. And recently i've learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned. It goes back to the whole having and keeping expectations post. Maybe you're supposed to fuck up every once in awhile. Maybe that's the point of expectations; to learn which ones are realistic and which ones you wish were real. Happiness is when the expectations you have match up with the ones that are realistic. Every once in awhile, you'll be an asshole. Every once in awhile, you'll be a disappointment. Heartache is a part of life, right? I think that's the lesson I need someone to teach me right now. Because it feels a lot like i've suffered a lot more than others my age. And that's not asking for sympathy, because I can be and have been an asshole. But it still makes me wonder.

We cope with break ups and splits in various ways. We let ourselves go crazy, we get out of touch with our bodies. We become a hermit. We pretend like nothing is wrong. We act as if we can survive. We provide ourselves with thousands of reasons why that person wasn't right for us. We think of every reason why that person was right for us. We replace. We suffer. We distract ourselves. None of those tactics can make us feel whole again. And often times, we don't want to whole again. As they say, Time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart.

Ways i've tried to cope: Cut my hair (actually looks okay), talk things out extensively (a bit too much...sorry folks who've had to listen), get some great advice (thanks to those people too), complain, cry, listen to bad music and good music, miss a train home (sorry Mom), and cry some more.

I'm learning each step of the way. And I think the biggest wake up call is when you watch the last train home pull away from the station and get told you have to wait to see the people you love. So you tell me: what do you do when you're left to your own devices and your patience is wearing thin? Do you let others believe you're okay, or do you say exactly what you're thinking and destroy any barrier you've thrown up around you?

Until later,